Merry Christmas!

Happy Thanksgiving...a little late... :)

I know I've been neglecting this blog of mine, but the truth is that I've been busy living my life lately. (But thanks for the reminder because I had actually forgotten that I needed to update, Subway Twin...lol) A quick update with the promise of a better, longer, more detailed post in the future: Jesse's home! :D He went back to his "regular" job after we went to Disney World in mid-October. We're looking into bigger houses because we're going to need more space. Adelle's loving having Daddy home and enjoying her second year of preschool at GCC. We're set for the first of two adoption hearings on December 23. :) I'm finishing up my last grad class before graduating in December, loving my kiddos at school even though that's difficult some days with this class (lol), and trying to enjoy life amidst the chaos.

some numbers and...soon...

It's somewhere around three weeks now until Jesse comes home. It's been a little over seven months since I've seen him, but he's been gone for about eleven altogether except for his leave over Christmas. In about fifteen days we'll have been married for a year. I'm so ready for this separation to be over, so the end of this seems to be going so slowly. At the same time, I have so many things to accomplish between now and then (mostly school-related, Gannon-related, and house-related...getting it ready for him to come home haha) that I know I'll be busy the
whole time that I'm waiting. Can't wait...

recently...

I really should get some sleep, but for some reason I feel like writing a little on here...haven't been around this blogger block for a while, but here I am again...

So...time is passing and we're getting by. I always get really emotional about once a month (lol and what woman doesn't?) because all the missing him gets to me, but I know it's coming to an end. Honestly, it feels more frustrating now because it's been monthsssss and I'm just so ready to see him and feel like he's actually my real husband again...I guess it's like the last few weeks of pregnancy haha. It never gets any easier, but I'm a trooper now and I'll get through it no worse for the wear.

I just finished up a ridiculously frustrating grad class, but I'm not going to go into that too much. I actually love going to class and learning, but I didn't like feeling like I was wasting my time because of the prof's way of conducting class and the little "energizers" he made us do (think team-building activities) even though the class was about assessments. I have probably never been so glad to see a class end than this one for some reason.

I've been enjoying Adelle so much this summer so far...she is an amazing kid, and she's always impressing me with what she can do now that she's a "big girl." :)

mixed emotions.

School's out for the summer!

I got through the last few days without too many snags even though it wore me out, and all the stuff that I listed on my last blog that was stressing me out got done somehow, of course. I said goodbye to my kids and realized how much I will miss them, even the ones who I had to discipline every day and the ones who drove me crazy. I love them all and was proud to be their teacher.

I also said goodbye to my second and third grade teachers, who retired at the end of this year; I was so proud to be their colleague after being in their classrooms, but I don't ever feel like I'll be their equal because they were such wonderful, amazing people and teachers.

And I kept thinking about how Jesse was here at the start of this school year and how he took time off of work to come in and see my classroom and help me with things there (haha...doing some "tall" things that I have trouble doing like taking things down out of the upper shelves and tops of the cabinets and such)...and how I was packing it up by myself and might be starting next school year solo because we still don't have a date for his return. Also, I just found out that a guy from Jesse's unit was killed on dismounted patrol and that they had a funeral for him immediately followed by a 14-hour mission...my heart aches for him because I can't imagine how hard it must be to keep on doing what he's got to do despite what he's been through. And it definitely scares me to have that happen so close to my husband...I try not to worry, but you know it's always there in the back of my mind.

So...overall a very emotional end to the schoolyear because of what I'm going through with Jesse being in Iraq and thinking about how fast life goes anyway.

I'm still processing and thinking about all of that, but it was nice getting to relax today and spend time with people who mean a lot to me. Today my best friend Erin came down with her stepdaughter and we went to see Up (very good but very emotionally intense in parts) and out to dinner. We always have good conversations and I always feel so much more like myself when she's around. I'm blessed to know how it feels to be genuinely understood and cared for by her.

I don't think summer can ever be too long...usually it's too short, especially with taking classes and living life and getting ready to start next school year. But with that said, I think it's going to be a long summer without Jesse...going to work and dealing with all that wonderful work that teachers bring home with them every night and on the weekends somehow kept my mind occupied. Now I've got some free time at night and I think it's going to be hard since I've spent the last three summers hanging out with him at night. Not to mention that I'm starting to really miss him since it's the time we've been apart keeps getting longer and longer. I do feel like this whole deal, while not very positive in itself, is making me realize what's important to me in life...it's clarifying in some way. I try to remind myself little positive things like that...it's what keeps me going at this point.

yikes.

The end of the school year is coming up. That's a good thing, and a bad thing because of how jam-packed it makes my life and because of how apathetic or hyper it makes some students. I've had such a busy Memorial Day weekend and didn't do much of anything in the way of schoolwork besides finish up my grad class. (But whew! That was a relief!) My thoughts keep jumping around from one thing to the next as I try to do things; it truly feels like I've got ADD haha. The one word that keeps coming to my mind tonight as I hurry to get something accomplished is frenetic. I'm probably being at least slightly overdramatic :) ...but I hate feeling that way, but I thought maybe writing about it would help me decompartmentalize.

On my to-do list:

- Check all of those papers in my bag so that I can actually calculate final grades

- Fill out the final report cards for my students for this year

- Attend IEP meetings for all special ed students coming to second grade students coming

- Write down well-thought-out plans for the sub who will be in my room while I attend those IEP meetings (lol)

- Plan a special luau-themed day for Wednesday with real learning opportunities and fun activities

- Make it through Field Day on Friday

- Do all of the above things without any scheduled planning/prep time since I'll be attending IEP meetings during my prep period tomorrow and since my kids don't have any other special classes this week (which is my prep period)...this is the big challenge haha

- Clean up and pack up my room for the summer

- Organize all the photos I took at school this year and make CDs for students to take home as souvenirs from second grade

- Plan what I'm going to do and say when I meet next year's class next week

- Spend quality time with my daughter

- Work out at the Y at least two times this week to continue feeling like I'm working towards getting fit and to relieve stress (lol!)

It's all in the works but I am feeling stressed about everything because there's so much right now. In about 8 days, I'll be feeling much calmer about things and probably rejoicing a little over the end of my school year and the beginning of summer vacation...

new kitties.

Tonight, Adelle and I got a pair of kittens from a very nice woman outside of Greenville. Adelle's been wanting to get a pet for months, probably ever since I sent Daphne to live at Mom's for various reasons. I loved her, but basically she wasn't an inside cat. This time, I wanted to get two because I thought maybe that would keep them entertained during the day while I'm at work and no one's at home...and because I always feel bad taking a kitten away from everyone and all that they know; at least taking two from the same litter might help them feel more at home. Maybe I'm just a softie, but I guess that's probably why. Anyway, Adelle is over the moon with having her own kitties in the house, and I'm going to work harder to make sure she learns how to get them to like her this time ;) lol. I don't think Daph ever warmed up to Adelle, which was another reason she left our house. Jesse approved of the idea of getting two :) a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned it to him.

Anyway, we decided that Adelle should name one and that I should name the other kitty. I have no idea where she got the idea, but she named the male kitten Murphy on the way home, and I named the female kitten Stella after we got home. So Stella and Murphy it is...and I am happy with those names since they're not conventional kitty names like Fluffy and Snowball. I tend to go with nonconventional pet names...Calvin, Homer, Winston, Sancho, Daphne, etc.

This is Murphy.

This is Stella.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mommies out there! Last year, my Jesse took Adelle out to get me a gift, which was such a sweet thing for him to do. I know I'll be missing him this year (What else is new?), but at least it's not Wife's Day...haha. A friend and I are planning on taking our girls to the Pittsburgh Zoo tomorrow, so it will be a day spent making memories with our kiddos.

eight things.

Kristin tagged me to do this cute little list thing, so here are my answers:

8 Things I am Looking Forward to:
1. Jesse coming home in August!
2. Summer!
3. Being done with all but two of my grad classes by the end of the summer!
4. Joining the YMCA and working out occasionally!
5. Painting Adelle's room this summer!
6. Getting a pet!
7. Putting an addition onto the house someday so we have more space!
8. Having another baby someday!

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Put in some stone edging around a (soon-to-be) flower bed in front of the porch
2. Played on the swings at the park
3. Ate a cheeseburger
4. Laughed with Delle
5. Put a Band-Aid on my daughter's blister
6. Unexpectedly got to visit with my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and niece Mariah
7. Hung out with Mikki and Brooklyn in the sunshine
8. Wrote a letter to Jesse...

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Hug Jesse right now or at least before August
2. Actually finish up my grad school project instead of procrastinate
3. Be more patient with my students and my daughter
4. Be more productive in general
5. Keep my house tidier so I'm not embarrassed when people drop by lol
6. Spend more time with friends that I rarely get to see
7. Study in a Spanish-speaking country
8. Get more sleep

8 Shows I Enjoy:
1. The Office!
2. American Idol
3. Fringe
4. Gilmore Girls
5. Seinfeld
6. Family Guy
7. SNL
8. Clean House

I'm not tagging 8 people because I don't know 8 people with blogs lol. And the ones that I do know who have blogs were already tagged. :) If you read this and own a blog, consider yourself tagged!

countdown to a hug.

I just realized after posting a comment on someone else's blog that the profile picture that I've got on here is over a year old...so I decided to remedy that. I love that picture of Adelle...plus it makes me think of Jesse because that's his hat with all of his Army mumb0-jumbo embroidered on it...you know, C Co, 2-112th, etc...haha. Apparently he didn't need a winter hat in the desert...go figure. ;)

I got to talk to my husband on Easter, which was really nice. Even nicer was the surprise that I got that day...finding out that Jess will be coming home a month before I expected. Hopefully I don't bore anyone with specifics, but apparently they have to take a 30-day "leave" before the end of their one-year tour of duty...before we thought that he was going to have a 30 days of paid "leave" once he returned home in at the end of his tour of duty in September. Anyway, that's the word on the street for now...but as I've learned throughout the past few months of being and Army wife, nothing in the Army is ever real until it actually happens because everything's constantly changing! So while I don't want to get my hopes up too high in case something changes.........I'm WICKED EXCITED that I will get to see Jesse in August, especially since that means that we'll get to share our wedding anniversary together!

According to a virtual countdown clock I just googled, that's 124 days away. Yes, it's still like four months away...but it feels SO much better to know it's a month less than I was preparing myself for. :) At the same time, it's hard to be patient and to realize that we have been apart so long and that there is still so much to go...but we'll get there eventually. I have quite the busy summer planned (three grad classes, short roadtrip/concert with my best friend, family vacation at a state park, and all the stuff Adelle has planned for us to do too...Pittsburgh Zoo, Erie Zoo, swimming, Idlewild, etc....oh, and she wants to go to the Okefenokee Swamp which we read about in one of her books lol), so that should help.

This year, I'm not counting down the days until the end of school...I'm counting down the days until I get a hug from my husband. <3

perspective.

Live each season as it passes.

~Thoreau~

Our strength grows out of our weakness.

~Emerson~

I've not updated in quite a while, but I've been keeping pretty busy lately. Overall, things are okay. I feel very up and down, but I think that's probably normal. I struggle a lot with feeling overwhelmed with the whole situation...I recently wrote Jesse that the hardest thing for me is that it's so easy to become overwhelmed and let emotions take over and just get caught up in feeling sad or hopeless. It's amazing how quickly I can go from feeling fine one moment, and then completely weighed down and inundated with emotion after letting my thoughts stray to how much I miss him...being angry that he hasn't called lately...being worried about his safety...feeling frustrated that "I" have to do "everything" at home...wondering about how he's really feeling... Tears come easily these days. And at that point it's almost like I feel stuck there in that emotion and at times I have such a hard time getting out of it. Okay...I'm not going to bemoan the fact that I'm feeling this way by writing a whole lot more about it, but I truly do appreciate prayer. One good thing about this is that I am continually reminded how weak I am, and that I need to remember that His strength is sufficient. Mine never will be no matter how hard I try to convince myself.

A little over a month ago, an eighth-grade teacher at my school was life-flighted to the hospital after breaking his back. Obviously, this was something that would be very tragic but there is more to the story than just an injury. A friend called 911 and reported that Bret was unable to feel his legs after a fall down 17 steps. The truth came about about a week afterwards that that "friend" had been driving while intoxicated (Bret was a passenger in the back seat), wrecked his car, and tried to cover up the accident by removing an injured man from the scene and having a friend tow the wrecked car and hide it under a tarp in a garage. The young men involved in the accident then transported Bret to an apartment, pulled him up 17 stairs, and refused to call 911 until Bret agreed to "go with" the story that they had fabricated about a fall.

This is definitely sounding tragic, but the best part of the story is that the injured man in the story is a Christian who is leaning on God throughout all of this. Bret had excruciating pain, back surgery, and is now learning how to live life as a paraplegic, but he is trusting in God, witnessing to others in his rehab clinic, and giving thanks despite the trials he faces. He is an inspiration to say the least. Please take a moment to pray for Bret and his fiancee, Amy. Visit their Caring Bridge site for an awesome journal entry and for more information on his story.

It definitely puts my present "sufferings" into perspective. I am blessed.

a long way off.

So, obviously it's Valentine's Day. I'm not that into Valentine's Day, so it's not that big of a deal to me usually...I think that we should treat our loved ones well and show them our love for them every day of the year, not lavish them with special treatment and gifts on some day that Hallmark decided they'd like to sell cards. (Yes, I know that originally St. Valentine was the impetus for the holiday and the love-sharing, but I tend to think that it's become more of a "buy me dinner and chocolate" kind of holiday...forgive me if I'm wrong.)

I'm not that into Valentine's Day, but I still found myself wondering if my husband would remember me in some way. I got an email, and I'll have to be happy with that. At least he remembered that it was Valentine's Day, but a part of me wishes that he had thought that I might like a card or some flowers or something like that...I feel like it's almost hypocritical of me, but even though I already explained my near disdain for Valentine's Day...I wanted to feel special and pampered today because it would show that he's thinking of what he can do for me and how he can show his love for me. So does this mean I'm coming around to celebrating Valentine's Day, or is it just because he's so far from me right now that I'm being sentimental? I don't know...but I know, I'm ridiculous.

Lately, I've been an emotional wreck.

I've been angry at Jesse for not keeping in touch with me as often as I thought he should. I have heard his voice on the phone once about four weeks ago. I have chatted with him on Yahoo Messenger one and a half times...I say "half" because the first time we tried the internet on his end decided to go out when we were trying to chat... :( I got to see him on web cam once while we chatted last Friday. I've gotten probably slightly over half a dozen emails from him since he's been overseas.

I've been depressed for the same reason (not being in touch) and because I have no control over that situation. I can't call him, I can't make him email me, I can't make him get on Yahoo Messenger and IM with me...I can't do anything but hope that he will. I email and write letters and somehow keep hoping.

I've been overwhelmed because I feel like I can't handle it all right now. I don't have energy to keep the house tidy, to play with Adelle, to do the dishes, to put away the laundry that's been in the basket since last week, to give my class the energy and time they deserve through well-thought-out and creative lesson plans each day, to put the curtains up in my bedroom that I bought before Christmas...the list goes on and on and on. I'm not even going to mention my grad school research project because it doesn't exist yet even though I should have started it three weeks ago. Physically, I'm tired. Emotionally, I'm tired. I feel like I can never get away from this overwhelmed feeling. I'm so grateful that I have people who help me with Adelle and who support me in all that I do, because without them I don't know how I'd be doing at anything at all.

One of the hardest things is knowing that Jesse is feeling so depressed and that I can't do much to help him out of it. I'm not trying to make excuses for him not being in touch more (because I still feel that he should be), but I know that he is having such a hard time dealing with this deployment because he feels like he's not there for any reason. And he's not...once his unit finally got to their destination in Iraq, he found out that they don't need his section for what they are trained to do. They re-assigned most of his section to other tasks, but my husband and a couple of others literally have nothing to do. Jesse told me that he feels like there's no reason to get up in the morning...that his only task in the past few days has been helping his lieutenant do paperwork by sitting by his side at the computer and spelling out words for him...that he feels like it's a year out of his life for nothing and he'll be another year behind in what he wants to accomplish. It makes me so sad and angry that he is just sitting around in the desert feeling like that. I can't imagine how hard it is except that I can feel it too in some sense because I am bearing the brunt of how it's making him feel.

Please pray for me and especially for him, that he'll get a better mindset and feel a purpose there. I'd really appreciate it.

sheesh.

I've been worrying quite a bit about something that I didn't think I'd been worrying about right now. Life keeps throwing me curveballs, I think.

But...I'm not going to tell you what it is. Not right now.

LOL.

And I'm out.

patience.

I just went through probably one of the longest weeks of my life thus far.

Without trying to sound too dramatic, it was agonizing waiting for the phone to ring. There's an eight-hour time difference, so I kept half-expecting that the phone would ring at some point during the night while I was asleep. It didn't, so I went through a few nearly sleepless nights waiting for a phone call that finally came today. I know that it was just a plane ride to a place not so near here and that he wouldn't be in danger yet, but it was still hard for me to not know that he got there safely or that he was getting acclimated to the new environment or that emotionally he was doing all right. When it's your husband and best friend, it's just hard not to know. So when I heard his voice today it felt so good and so heartbreaking at the same time. He's okay, but he's not here and he's probably feeling the same way.

I don't think that I'll ever really get used to this, but you can bet that I'll be so thankful to put my arms around him again.

the inevitable

Jess is headed out on a plane tonight, hopefully at the scheduled time of 1 a.m. I say hopefully because I don't want him to have to wait around for hours to get on a sixteen-hour plane trip. I pray that everything will go smoothly.

I love him so...

he makes me laugh,

he makes me feel beautiful every day that I'm with him,

he lets me be ridiculous but doesn't make me feel ridiculous,

he does all sorts of "tall" things for me around the house since I'm wicked short (lol),

he helps me relax,

he keeps my feet warm at night,

he laughs at my jokes,

he's gentle and strong at the same time,

he calls me "Sweetie,"

he listens to all of my school stories without seeming bored,

he enjoys 30 Rock and the John Malkovich "Caal-kyah-lay-tah" SNL sketch as much as I do and will tolerate several episodes of Gilmore Girls in a row,

he can pick me up and crack my back when I need it fixed,

and he's willingly and patiently been Daddy to my daughter.

I love him for all the strengths and weaknesses that make him who he is, but mostly just because he loves me for some crazy reason or another. So of course I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.

I'm trying really hard to convince myself that these months will go by really quickly because I'll be so busy with work and Adelle and grad classes, but it's not easy right now. And I'm trying really hard to not just blurt out every emotion I'm feeling right now all over this blog. Jesse told me tonight on the phone that I'm stronger than him a lot of the time, and even though I didn't feel that way it made me feel better to hear him say it. I know that he'll call me in a couple of days and that it's just a plane ride, but it's just the idea of him flying so very far away from me as I sleep tonight that is getting to me. I can't imagine how he might be feeling right now.

lately...

Last Friday, we celebrated Adelle's birthday a little early so that Jesse could be part of it. There was a butterfly cake, candles, singing, presents. She was excited and thankful for her birthday party with the two of us.

Last Friday, I made a four-and-a-half hour trip from our house in Grove City to Fort Indiantown Gap, an Army base a bit north of Harrisburg. I took Jesse back from his too-short leave. I told him not, "Goodbye," but "See you later." I drove back that same day so that I could put my daughter to sleep that night. I was able to navigate my way back to I-81 and get on the never-ending stretch of US-322 between Harrisburg and Philipsburg...and eventually back to I-80, where I felt more at ease because it's familiar. I figured that that was the last time I'd see him until he returns from Iraq, and I felt peaceful about it because I had had the whole Christmas vacation to prepare myself for it. And I had the whole drive back home to sort through my emotions and pray about it and, well, just to cry periodically when I felt the urge without worrying if I'd be worrying Adelle or whether others would see the red eyes and tears stains on my cheeks.

This Friday (yesterday), I again found myself on that same route because I was given another chance to see my husband. They were given "liberty" to leave base from 8 in the morning to 7 at night. I didn't want to find myself spending over four hours driving east in my car, but I felt that if I didn't go, I would always regret not seeing him one more time. Because one more time could be all we have. It's so hard to admit that, but I don't know what's in store for us. I got myself from Grove City to the hotel in Harrisburg last night safely despite the impending winter storm. Spending today with Jesse was more than wonderful...but harder emotionally than I can say. Driving him back to base was devastating because each mile marker I saw reminded me that I was ever closer to leaving him there. I've been crying a lot as I sit in this hotel room, trying to occupy my mind with writing lesson plans for the upcoming week and searching for new ideas for teaching my students about Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream. Crying to get the emotions out before I go back home to my Adelle and my work. I'm missing him already and hurting because he's so close right now yet I can't be with him.

Yet, I am choosing to try to focus on the positive. (Yes, I did say try because I know there will undoubtedly be days that I will lose my focus...) So, the positive things that I can see from my vantage point right now:

*Adelle is amazing and smart and beautiful and funny.

*Jesse loves us and won't stop loving us just because he's not close to us.

*We have become so close despite the distance and know what we're made of. (Though right now I feel like I'm made of a blubbering pile of jelly...)

*My family loves Adelle and me and helps us a lot.

*I am much more confident in my ability to handle driving long distances and in unfamiliar areas because of all of the practice that I've had of late.

*Because Jesse is making more money, we are becoming more financially stable and will be able to save money for our future together.

*I finally have curtains up at my house and have been able to begin decorating it. It feels more like a home now.

*I will have my Gannon grad classes to occupy my mind and keep me busy while my husband is away. Jesse will be proud of me for keeping on with this even though it's not easy.

*My class this year has become very dear to me, and I really enjoy my students! (Most of the time...lol.)

*I get to sleep in tomorrow, which is a rare treat.

*Jesse loves us and won't stop loving us just because he's not close to us. I know that's a repeat, but it makes me feel a little better.