Background 4.27.11

Saturday, February 14, 2009

a long way off.

So, obviously it's Valentine's Day. I'm not that into Valentine's Day, so it's not that big of a deal to me usually...I think that we should treat our loved ones well and show them our love for them every day of the year, not lavish them with special treatment and gifts on some day that Hallmark decided they'd like to sell cards. (Yes, I know that originally St. Valentine was the impetus for the holiday and the love-sharing, but I tend to think that it's become more of a "buy me dinner and chocolate" kind of holiday...forgive me if I'm wrong.)

I'm not that into Valentine's Day, but I still found myself wondering if my husband would remember me in some way. I got an email, and I'll have to be happy with that. At least he remembered that it was Valentine's Day, but a part of me wishes that he had thought that I might like a card or some flowers or something like that...I feel like it's almost hypocritical of me, but even though I already explained my near disdain for Valentine's Day...I wanted to feel special and pampered today because it would show that he's thinking of what he can do for me and how he can show his love for me. So does this mean I'm coming around to celebrating Valentine's Day, or is it just because he's so far from me right now that I'm being sentimental? I don't know...but I know, I'm ridiculous.

Lately, I've been an emotional wreck.

I've been angry at Jesse for not keeping in touch with me as often as I thought he should. I have heard his voice on the phone once about four weeks ago. I have chatted with him on Yahoo Messenger one and a half times...I say "half" because the first time we tried the internet on his end decided to go out when we were trying to chat... :( I got to see him on web cam once while we chatted last Friday. I've gotten probably slightly over half a dozen emails from him since he's been overseas.

I've been depressed for the same reason (not being in touch) and because I have no control over that situation. I can't call him, I can't make him email me, I can't make him get on Yahoo Messenger and IM with me...I can't do anything but hope that he will. I email and write letters and somehow keep hoping.

I've been overwhelmed because I feel like I can't handle it all right now. I don't have energy to keep the house tidy, to play with Adelle, to do the dishes, to put away the laundry that's been in the basket since last week, to give my class the energy and time they deserve through well-thought-out and creative lesson plans each day, to put the curtains up in my bedroom that I bought before Christmas...the list goes on and on and on. I'm not even going to mention my grad school research project because it doesn't exist yet even though I should have started it three weeks ago. Physically, I'm tired. Emotionally, I'm tired. I feel like I can never get away from this overwhelmed feeling. I'm so grateful that I have people who help me with Adelle and who support me in all that I do, because without them I don't know how I'd be doing at anything at all.

One of the hardest things is knowing that Jesse is feeling so depressed and that I can't do much to help him out of it. I'm not trying to make excuses for him not being in touch more (because I still feel that he should be), but I know that he is having such a hard time dealing with this deployment because he feels like he's not there for any reason. And he's not...once his unit finally got to their destination in Iraq, he found out that they don't need his section for what they are trained to do. They re-assigned most of his section to other tasks, but my husband and a couple of others literally have nothing to do. Jesse told me that he feels like there's no reason to get up in the morning...that his only task in the past few days has been helping his lieutenant do paperwork by sitting by his side at the computer and spelling out words for him...that he feels like it's a year out of his life for nothing and he'll be another year behind in what he wants to accomplish. It makes me so sad and angry that he is just sitting around in the desert feeling like that. I can't imagine how hard it is except that I can feel it too in some sense because I am bearing the brunt of how it's making him feel.

Please pray for me and especially for him, that he'll get a better mindset and feel a purpose there. I'd really appreciate it.


Kristin Charles said...

love you ashley. and i will pray for you and jesse.

please know that i want to help tangibly as well. let me know how i can. laundry, cleaning, a night off, dinner, whatever. i will do anything:) be thinking.

Ashley said...

thanks. i will be thinking, but right now the prayers are much appreciated and the most important thing. things are getting better, and i'm feeling more positive.

Kristin Charles said...


will do.

love ya.