clarity.

Lately, it's been hard to keep myself positive, to stay focused on what goes well...because there's been a lot of negative. I'll be the first to admit that a lot of it comes straight from me. I'm the first to have a pity party for myself...oh, poor me...I don't sleep enough because my baby wakes up a lot at night...I'm "suffering" through a job that I never applied to have, don't feel fluent enough to have, and that I have to create all the materials for because I was left with nothing much that's usable...I don't have enough time in my day to take care of the bazillion things that need done around the house and my husband never seems to notice half of those things that should be done...on and on I could rant, but what good would it do?

I'm all about honesty, but lately I've been keeping on the silent side because I don't want to just complain and spout negativity on here.

Instead, I'm trying to focus on how richly I've been blessed.

It ain't easy.

(Allow me to complain just a bit, and then I'll end it on a positive note, I promise.)

Like I said, it's a job I never applied for...I still yearn to be back in second grade, where I felt needed and and significant because I truly felt like I influenced and shaped my young students. The high school is a place where students care more about peers liking them than about teachers liking them, where some students like to push the limits just because that's somehow part of their adolescent make-up. It's a place where I blend in because of my height, general frame, and lack of "looking my age," which is moving closer and closer to 29. I think because of this some students see me as more of an equal, and they challenge me daily because it's hard to respect a teacher who you view as so very close to a high school student. About once a week I have horrible days at work and I literally just want to cry because some kids just really need to learn some kindness and respect for the adults who devote so much time to trying to help them learn. Some kids just want to play hackey sack or study for their next class and don't seem to view my class as something they should put much effort into. I get so frustrated and disappointed because some of the students just don't care about learning Spanish; to me, it's so discouraging because I LOVE Spanish and it hurts me that they think it's stupid or boring or uninteresting in every way. I try so hard to present things in interesting ways and to make assignments that will appeal to everyone...but of course, I can't make everyone happy. On days like that, it's hard to keep my focus...but somehow I get through every day and walk down to the office, where a smiling Adelle is waiting to greet me with, "Mommy!" and to chatter about her day in first grade while she holds my hand and we walk through the hall like fish going against the current, dodging high school students trying to escape the school building. In those moments, no matter how bad of a mood I'm in, she reminds me of why I'm at work and why I've got to keep going. I want her (and Jackson...and all of my students) to have good teachers all throughout her school career, not just at the beginning. If I give up or decide to not try as hard as I do to make a difference, where does that leave my daughter and son in their high school years?

P.S. I truly love and enjoy many of my students. Some of them go out of their way to show me that they appreciate me and that they enjoy learning Spanish. And I laugh every day at some of them because they're truly hilarious people!

read this.

This article is haunting me. Reminded me to let all I do be done in love.

yeppers.

Source: pearls-curlsandasoutherngirl.tumblr.com via Ashley on Pinterest

shyeah.

So lately...the major emotion of late has been overwhelmed. Warning: many, many sentence fragments and ellipses ahead....

Overwhelmed by the amount of planning and energy it takes to teach high school Spanish. I'm not gonna lie, not loving it right now. I keep telling myself that next year will be easier (because it will be), but it's challenging for a bunch of reasons....figuring out how procedures for everything at the high school (how do I pick up my copywork or check out a t.v. cart or perform my mandatory student parking lot duty?), trying to keep up with grading and updating the online gradebook regularly, attitude-y students, teenage boys in general, realizing how little my students know in comparison to what I hoped they would know, and dealing with the legacy of taking over for a teacher who was more about fun than about learning. *sigh* (For the record, I'm all about learning in a fun way....)

Overwhelmed by how much I just want to spend time with my little family but feeling pulled in so many different directions at once...keeping my house at least to some semblance of "clean" (though it's terribly lacking at the moment and not up to my standards at all)...laundry...packing lunches and diapers bags and school bags every night...grocery shopping...bathtime...bedtime...etc. Still feeling jealous of my summer self right now and wishing I could go back to "just" being a mom and not a working mom. I wish I could just sit on the couch with my husband most evenings instead of working on school stuff or preparing our things for the next day. But that's not reality.

Overwhelmed by sleep deprivation...six weeks of not sleeping more than three or four hours a night is taking its toll on everything in my life. Not to sound completely negative, but I honestly don't know how I keep on going at this point except that I have no other alternative. And I don't think that most people really understand what we're going through with him waking so often. I know almost all babies wake round the clock in the beginning, and we got through that first couple of months successfully. Jackson is waking up more than he did as a newborn, and we've tried everything that we can think of...at this point I feel like it's just something we have to wait out or maybe he's got some sort of sleep disorder. He was sleeping nearly all night around three months, and then about a week before school started he began the rut we're in now. Basically I get him to sleep, and he's up again within forty-five minutes to an hour later. Then maybe he'll sleep an hour, or maybe he'll wake up again in twenty minutes. But when he "wakes" up, he's usually not really awake...just needs help getting back to a deeper stage of sleep...*repeat every night at least four or five times* :( I've stopped nursing him back to sleep, stopped trying to walk him around to put him to sleep, tried giving him cereal to keep him full longer, tried giving him formula with added rice starch to keep him full longer, read The Baby Whisperer, finally found a pacifier that he likes (the Soothie, and this was just a few days ago), which has helped him fall asleep on his own sometimes, and exhausted all other ideas that I've been given. Except cry it out...I refuse to let me baby cry himself to sleep when he's crying for someone to come help him. I'll let him fuss for a bit, sure, but once he begins really getting upset, I go to him. Every night I hope that he'll sleep better, but so far it hasn't happened except about a week ago he slept for an astounding six hours straight. Unfortunately, not a new trend. And as I type this, he's now up for the second time already after going to bed around 7:45...gotta go.

P.S. I know it'll get better, but sooner rather than later would be amazing.

remember.

Ten years ago, on September 11th, 2001, I was a freshman at Mount Holyoke College. I had just gotten out of my biology lecture and climbed the four flights of stairs to my dorm room in Brigham Hall, preparing to relax a little before bio lab that afternoon. I switched on my nineteen inch t.v. to watch something I'd taped the day before (yes, this was waaaay before DVR and back in the days of the VCR, baby...lol) and turned on my laptop to check my email. When my internet browser came up, I was confronted by images of terrorists attacking the World Trade Center. Planes crashing into tall buildings? Is this a joke? I thought to myself. I stopped the VHS tape I had just started in my VCR and switched on the news. Of course, it didn't matter what station I put the t.v. on...every channel was either broadcasting a live feed of the smoking buildings and the aftermath or replays of what had happened less than an hour earlier.

I sat there, horrified, my eyes riveted to the television screen. It was unbelievable in the worst way imaginable. It seemed so senseless and so unfair. Travelers on the planes died just through chance died for choosing that flight on that particular day. People had jumped out of buildings, frantic to escape the fate terrorists had decided for them. Rescuers had died trying to save those who were trapped in the buildings. I remember thinking that the people who were in the Twin Towers that day were just going through their normal, everyday routine; they headed to work and were just getting started with their day when this unimaginable horror happened. I kept thinking that they never expected to die when they went to work that day, just the same way that I would never expect to die going to my job in my dorm's dining hall. These were people who had mothers, fathers, brothers, friends...just like me.

One of the new college friends I had made about two weeks prior to September 11th was a native New Yorker who used to walk past the towers every day on her way to Stuyvesant High School. She was, in every sense of the word, traumatized by this event even more personally than I could ever be. Terrorists had attacked my homeland, but they had attacked her home. Seeing the 9/11 attack through her eyes and helping her cope with the emotional aftermath made me realize just how horrific it was, especially to New Yorkers. Seeing how the attacks affected Mariel made it personal to me in a way that I can't really explain. When we got back from a short break a couple of weeks later, I remember telling Mariel that when I went home, my father had cut down a huuuuuge pine tree that had always been in our backyard growing up...that it looked incredibly strange to me because it seemed like our yard was somehow empty even though that was the only thing that was missing. She told me that that was exactly what it felt like to go home to NYC and not see the Towers, and that she felt like I at least partially understood what she was feeling.

Ten years later, I still remember these details. We were all worried that another attack was imminent, that it would happen again without warning, just like the first time. Instinctively, I just wanted to go home and be with my family, but that was about nine hours away and I had no transportation. I was incredibly saddened and frightened that the attack had happened, and I had the overwhelming feeling that life in our country would never be the same because it now seemed possible that something like that could happen again. I remember how uncertain life had suddenly become...it felt like anything could happen at any moment, especially in the days right after the attack.After I became a second grade teacher a few years ago and realized that my little seven- and eight-year-olds had no clue what September 11th was, I made it a personal mission to educate them on this event in an age-appropriate way. Of course they couldn't personally remember something that happened when they were infants (or later on, I taught students who hadn't even been born yet...made me feel old lol). And of course I didn't want to scare the bejezus out of them but I felt so strongly that it was something that must be remembered. So, we started out discussing what they knew, which was horrifyingly little...I remember thinking that it was a shame that most of them had never heard about it (even just a mention that it was an attack on our country...not expecting a huge amount of knowledge or thinking it was necessary to know details at such a young age). When I found The Man Who Walked Between the Towers, I knew that this would be a great way to introduce 9/11 to them. For four years, I read the book to them and watched this video of him walking between the towers...and we talked about how horrible it would be for someone to attack our country and kill innocent people in doing so. As I read the story of Philippe Petit, a bit of an attention freak and free-thinker who decided to (illegally) walk a tightrope strung between the Twin Towers, the kids were drawn in and making predictions about whether he'd make it. The last page mentions that the towers are no longer there...and the kids naturally ask, "Why?!?" That would lead into an age-appropriate discussion of the attacks in which I told them the basic facts of what had happened that day and showed them photos of some of the destruction. Of course, they naturally asked why anyone would do something like that, and showed at least a shadow of the emotions that we were all feeling that day...disbelief, horror, shock, and sadness. Though I would never want to scare my students, I always felt (rather sadly) that I had accomplished my personal mission to have this day remembered by the younger generation. Now that I teach high school Spanish, I hope that there's another teacher in the elementary school who is exposing the little ones to the memory of that day.Yesterday, I was at a National Guard family picnic with my husband and kids...and I became instantly angry to see that one of my husband's fellow Guardsmen was wearing a shirt saying, "Everything I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11/2001." I understand that men who serve our country are patriots, and that's a good thing. But being a patriot does not mean being a bigot. People like that are the reason relations between countries and religions are so tense. I would compare this level of ignorance and intolerance to someone being killed by a drunk driver that happens to be a blonde and then proclaiming that all blondes are drunks and killers. Ugh. Obviously, from my post above you know that I would never support this attack or the reasons that the terrorists had for attacking our country, but I feel strongly that you cannot label an entire group of people based on what a very small percentage of those people did, no matter how horrific. The truth is that people perpetrated this, not their religion or their god. Stop the hate, but remember.

hard day.

I'm having a tough time today dealing with everything that's coming up. Starting a few days ago, I started weaning Jackson during the day in preparation for going back to work and not having the opportunity/time to pump throughout the school day. That's been harder than I thought it would be emotionally for me, probably because I never had to do that with Adelle and also because it makes me realize that returning to work is so close at hand. I know that I've been so fortunate to be able to stay home almost four months with my baby and that other women go back after six weeks or eight weeks, so I shouldn't complain at all. But it's seriously breaking my heart knowing that two weeks from now I'll spending my entire day with students instead of with my babies. I know I'll get into the swing of it after a while, but it's not where my heart wants me to be at all. Some days it's so frustrating being a stay-at-home mama and I long for a little break once in a while, but truly I'd rather be spending my days fighting with Jackson to take a nap and doing a multitude of housework tasks at the same time. I want to be there for everything instead of hearing about it from my fantastic baby-sitting crew (Mom, Aunt Pam, and the mom of one of my former students, Shelly). I want to be there for his smiles and his crabby baby face when he gets frustrated or tired. I want to be there to change his diapers and wipe his precious, messy face when he slathers baby food all over it. I want to be able to just spend time in the evening with Jesse after we finally wrangle both kids into bed instead of having to dread grading papers and work on lesson plans. I want to get Adelle up in the morning and help her get dressed and do her hair without worrying about doing the same for myself until after I get her on the school bus. I want to spend time with her without being too busy or impatient over fitting everything into my hectic schedule in the evening. I just want to be present in my family's life without feeling like I'm missing a huge portion of it or being too overwhelmed to enjoy it.

Wordless Wednesday

Foto Friday

Jackson always curls the big toe of his left foot under the others when he sleeps.  <3

Check out this cloth diaper giveaway! :)

I recently began following ELF: A Family Blog. The author is a young mama who is funny, authentic, and insightful. After reading her Thirsties cloth diaper review and giveaway, I decided to try out a Thirsties Duo Diaper. Seriously, I got on Amazon and ordered one that came two days later. I put it on Jackson to try it out as an overnight diaper (sometimes we have leaks with cloth overnight if I don't change him the first time he wakes up)...and guess what? No leaks! Thirsties rock in my book. (Thanks for the great review, Libby!) You should definitely go enter at least once if you're a cloth diapering mom. :)

For the Thirsties giveaway opportunity, click here and enter by July 12th at 11:59 p.m. Better late than never...and who knows? You might win a sweet cloth diaper!

I'm hoping to win this one for Jackson:

goals

This is highly personal but because I somehow think that this will hold me more accountable, I'm going to post my goals for the rest of the summer...I'm the type of person who likes making a list and checking things off of it. Keeping in mind that I'm a teacher (and we tend to overplan lol), here's what I've got in mind right now:

1. Work harder at figuring out the manual settings on my Canon Rebel XSi
   
2. Paint at least one more room in the house (possibly our bedroom, but it's huge so I don't know...)
   
3. Rearrange the furniture in our bedroom and figure out where to put all of our books!
   
4. Start work on a place to spend time outside (i.e. a patio or deck)
5. Start meal planning and sticking better to a food budget to save money
   
6. Lose the rest of the baby weight that I've got left so that my work clothes will fit!
7. Figure out the details of childcare for Jackson for the school year
8. Wean Jackson from nursing before the end of August :(
9. Finish at least one photo book that I've begun (I'm trying to make one for each year of our lives with the digital photos I've taken)
   

It had to happen, I guess.

Kids grow up way too fast. :/

At two months and about 13.5 pounds, Jackson is almost too big for his bassinet...I'm not sure how I'll handle having to move him from out room to his room. I like having him right beside me while we sleep.

And how is it even possible for this little girl to be six and a half already? She still needs me, but she becomes more independent by the day.

Changing Diapers - Part II

See, Jackson likes cloth diapers! :)

Well, well, well...it's taken me a couple of weeks, but I'm back with the second installment of my cloth diapering posts. I know, I know...you've been eagerly awaiting my second thrilling treatise on diapers lol. Life is crazy hectic with a six-year-old and a two-month-old, but I think I get a tiny bit better at it each week. Tomorrow we'll be having quite the adventure because we'll be taking our daughter, son, and twelve-year-old niece to a local amusement/water park, Waldameer.Anyway, back to my cloth diapering post...here are my thoughts regarding my experience with cloth diapers (CDs) and my advice to you if you're considering using CDs. The following thoughts are probably a bit random, but that's what you get when you're talking about a sleep-deprived mama of two. ;)

• Why Do I Cloth Diaper?
  I was intrigued by the idea of cloth diapering while I was pregnant with Jackson. Spending time on different pregnancy websites and forums made me aware of cloth diapering as I actually had no idea that people still cloth diapered their babies. I was curious to know how they worked, since it seemed like it was a common thing for mamas to do these day. I initially decided that it would be too big of an initial investment, but when Jackson was about two weeks old I started looking into it again. I mainly decided to give it a go because (1) I wanted to see if I could...those of you who know me in real life know that I love a challenge, (2) I hated the idea of throwing away so many disposables because it just seemed so wasteful both in terms of money and resources, and (3) I imagined that CDs would feel so much better than the disposables on my little guy's bottom because some of the disposables feel scratchy and I hate when those little gel absorbency beads come out of the diapers onto babies' skin! I also heard that it's easier to potty train babies that are cloth diapered because they are more aware of when they're going. Not sure if that's true, but it would be pretty awesome if it is!
  
  
• Washing Cloth Diapers
  Many people decide against CDing, thinking that it will be too time-consuming to keep the diapers laundered or that they will be inconvenienced by having to rinse the diapers (you don't have to) or scrape the poo off before placing them in your diaper pail (you don't have to do this until the baby starts solids, because, well...things start to solidify, if you get my drift). In all honesty, I have not felt that it is much more time-consuming or inconvenient to have this additional step of cleaning the diapers your babe uses. Does it take a little more time and thought than simply changing a disposable and throwing it in the trash? Yes. But, I would argue that it doesn't take much more effort to launder and use cloth diapers because washing them is mostly about remembering to throw them in the washer and dryer before you run out of diapers. You don't really have to fold them and put them away as most other clothing that you launder, so it's just a matter of staying on top of it and putting them in the washer and moving them to the dryer. How much more energy does it do that?
  
  To wash cloth diapers, you are supposed to put them in the washer for two cycles. First, you put them in for a cold rinse and spin. Then, you wash them on a hot cycle with diaper-safe detergent. Afterwards, you throw them in the dryer for 60-90 minutes on high to dry them and to sanitize them. (Or line dry them to save electricity!) Poof, you're done and have fresh diaps to put on your baby's bum. Truthfully, the only time that this has been inconvenient is when I have another load of laundry started and forget about getting that load moved through the washer and dryer and put away. CDing has probably made me a little more accountable with my laundry because I do make more of an effort to remember to get my laundry dried and put away instead of leaving it in the dryer and "fluffing" the load once or twice to get the wrinkles out. ;)
  
  At this point, I haven't had the experience with having to rinse/scrape off solid feces. From what I've read and heard, it's not that huge of a deal as usually you can just shake it off into the toilet and flush. A friend of mine who CDs her toddler said that using a diaper sprayer is a lifesaver.
  
  
• Leaks and Blow-Outs?
  In all honesty, Jackson has only had leaks while wearing cloth diapers if (a) the diaper he is wearing is not the right size or (b) I left him in it too long. Thus far, I have not had any "poopslosions" while he's worn cloth; the CDs really seem to hold that well. One of the things that I've noticed about cloth diapers is that you really need to be conscious of how long your babe has been in them, whereas with disposables they seem to have an almost unlimited capacity to hold pee. It seems that Jackson needs to be changed about every two to three hours when he's wearing cloth, but I don't think that's abnormal at this point since he's still considered a newborn and goes a lot because he eats often.
  
  Though I haven't tried this, I know that many CDing moms "double-stuff" their pocket diapers by putting two inserts into the pockets to extend the absorbing capacity of the diaps for nap times and overnight. I'm thinking of ordering some hemp inserts because I've heard that they're amazing at absorbing.
  
  
• Opinions on What Cloth Diapers to Use
  To save the most money, you're going to want to go with one size diapers that snap to the size of the baby. In this way, the same diapers that you put on your newborn will adjust in size to fit your toddler until they're ready to potty-train. At first, these are going to be pretty bulky on your little baby because they are essentially folded over and snapped to make them "smaller," but that's the price you pay for cloth and not having to buy disposables every week. And, of course, this will change as time goes on, the babe gets bigger, and the diapers don't need to be snapped down to the smallest size. This is not really a concern for me, but I know some moms wouldn't want the bulk.
  
  I would advise going for pocket diapers because they takes so much less time to dry in the dryer. Personally, the BumGenius 3.0 and Fuzzibunz Perfect Size have worked great, and though I've had more leaks with the cheaper ones that I bought on eBay I think that was due to the diapers being a little too big on him and not fitting well around the legs. I also read somewhere on the web that cloth diapers tend to absorb better the more they are washed. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but it could be accurate in this case because they didn't work well in the beginning but now they are just fine. So, I guess my final two cents on which diapers to get is this: make sure the diapers fit your little one well, and you'll likely be happy with them! :)
  
  
• How Many Cloth Diapers Should You Get?
  If you're CDing a newborn, I'd get at least 20-24 diapers in your stockpile since you'll go through an average of 10 diapers a day (yikes!). Typically, this allows me to wash every other day instead of every day (as I did in the beginning with only 10 diaps), which makes it that much more manageable to cloth diaper. I'm not sure how many you'd need for an older baby, but I would assume fewer than that since they don't go as much...but I guess I'll find out as I go...haha.
  
  
• Cloth Wipes
  I LOVE using cloth wipes! My favorite of the two I bought are the GroVia Cotton Cloth Wipes. Even when I use disposables at home, I tend to reach for a cloth wipe over a throw-away wipe just because they seem to get the little guy's bum cleaner. I think this is because they're a lot thicker than disposable wipes, and you can definitely use just one and feel like you got the baby clean. I'm not sure how other mamas do it, but when I use throw-away wipes, I typically get the baby clean with one and then use another "just to make sure" he's clean. I put my cloth wipes in a wipe warmer (even though I will agree that this is one of those nice to have yet unnecessary baby supplies), dump enough warm water over them to make them damp, and that's it. I would imagine it feels better to have a clean, warm cloth rather than a cool disposable wipe...kinda like getting those nice warm cloths to wipe your face at the end of a long airplane ride. ;) Oh, and I just put the cloth wipes in the wash with my diapers...no need to separate them or anything.
  
  
• Commitment to Cloth Diapering
  If you're thinking about cloth diapering but aren't quite sure if you want to commit until you know if it works for your family...try it part time and see what you think! There's no shame in buying a few CDs and trying them out while you use disposables the majority of the time. Honestly, I am not 100% cloth diapering because sometimes I run out of diapers before I get them completely through the wash/dry cycle. I sometimes use disposables overnight because I don't want to have a leak wake my little supersoaker up, and as I said before, disposables tend to absorb a ridiculous amount of pee before leaking. I also use disposables when I'm out and about because (and yes, I know this contradicts my earlier rant on how many people choose convenience over what's really important...) it's just easier not to have to worry about remembering to take wet/dirty cloth diapers out of the diaper bag when I get home. Eventually, I will get into the groove of things when I'm on the go and get a "travel wet bag" (like one of these) to keep in the diaper bag.
  

Changing Diapers - Part I

Recently, we've made the switch from disposable to cloth diapers.

And if you know me, you know I like wordplay...so...changing diapers...get it? ;)

I'm by no means an expert on cloth diapers at this stage, but with a little experience under my belt now I felt it was time to share a bit of what I've learned about cloth diapering.

First of all, my mom thought I was nuts to take this on because she (like many people) thinks of cloth diapers as the classic Gerber prefolds (above) that many people use for cleaning or burp rags. She remembers using these with my older brother and having big time leak issues. I'll admit, I wondered if this would be a big problem. I was also wondering if I wanted to deal with even more laundry than I already have to do. And yeah, initially cloth diapers are more expensive than disposables so I was wondering if I should spend the money in case I ended up not liking them. But...after noticing that I was going through about a box of diapers a week, I decided to investigate cloth diapering. Throwing out two completely full bags of used diapers from my diaper pail a week made me feel really sick about what I was doing environmentally even though it is more convenient. Honestly, so much about what we (in the U.S.) consider necessary or more desirable because it's "more convenient" makes me ill because there are so many long term effects that come from that convenience, and many people never think about those effects or really seem to care.

Okay, back off my soapbox...

So, sure, the prefolds are diapers and I'm sure many people still use prefolds...BUT cloth diapering has really advanced since this type of diaper! There are so many great options out there that I had difficulty deciding which diapers to try out. I did some research online Because there's not a store locally (unless I drive down to Pittsburgh with a 6-year-old and a newborn), I ended up purchasing some used cloth diapers from eBay. I went with some BumGenius 3.0 All-in-One (AIO) diapers, a couple of Fuzzibunz pocket diapers, and some "off-brand" cloth pocket diapers that I bought after trying out the BG and Fuzzibunz to see if going with cheaper diapers would work (they were only $4.50 each!).

First, the BumGenius diapers:
The BumGenius 3.0 AIOs are exactly like a disposable in that they are already completely "assembled" and you just put them on the baby. BumGenius has since phased these 3.0s out in favor of 4.0s (one-size diapers like those I mention below), but I wanted to try them because they seemed like a good place to start since they were so much like the disposables that I was used to putting on Jackson. I also thought this would be a good option for winning over my husband to the cloth diaper cause, who had never changed a diaper before Jackson came along...and who was good-natured enough to go along with my crazy idea of cloth diapering but probably thought it wouldn't work out.

Now, the pocket diapers that I bought off of eBay:These diapers and the Fuzzibunz (at the very top on Jackson's cute little bum) are considered "All-in-Twos" (AI2s) or because there is a pocket that you stuff with an absorbent insert, and then you separate them for laundering. Fuzzibunz have snaps and come in different sizes so you have to buy different diapers as the baby grows. The cheaper pocket diapers that I got from eBay have snaps also, but they are made to grow with the baby by snapping to three different sizes. Fuzzibunz also come in this "one-size" variety.Besides the diapers, the supplies you need for cloth diapering are pretty simple and not too difficult to get:
You need a (1) diaper pail to keep your dirty dipes in, (2) a waterproof "wet bag" to line the diaper pail, (3) cloth wipes (Well, I guess this isn't "necessary," but if you're washing the diapers, you might as well wash the wipes too!) and (4) some cloth-diaper safe laundry soap. I ordered all of these things from Amazon except the trash can, which I got at Wal-Mart.

The Planet Wise diaper pail liner/wet bags are awesome! I don't know what other options there are out there, but they had every color imaginable so you could pick your favorite color or match the nursery theme color. I ordered two because it works out better to have one to line the diaper pail while the other is in the wash.

I decided to try out a couple different kinds of cloth wipes that I found: GroVia cotton cloth wipes and Kissaluvs wipes. After trying them both, I have to say that I like the GroVia ones better because they seem softer. The Kissaluvs are definitely durable though, and I can see why they are highly recommended. I would recommend the GroVia for little babies since you don't typically need to scrub their little bums. I would also say that if you don't want to spend the money on buying "cloth wipes," you could definitely just buy some washcloths from a chain store for a lot cheaper. Some other bloggers that use cloth diapers recommended the cheap baby wash cloths from Target, and I've seen similar ones at Wal-Mart.

I also ordered some Kissaluvs Diaper Lotion Potion, which is a wipe solution that you can use to clean baby's bum...you're supposed to mix it with water to dilute it and spray a little on the baby before wiping. I don't like the scent much and I actually think wipe solution is pretty unnecessary. I just pour a bit of water over the wipes in my wipes warmer to make them damp, and this gets Jackson plenty clean. There are recipes on the internet to make your own wipes solution, or my friend Annie recommends Honey Chunks wipe solution and says that it smells awesome. :) I'm thinking of ordering some to try.

Last, but perhaps most importantly, you need some laundry detergent which is cloth diaper-friendly. Most commercial detergents contain a lot of extras which can interfere with the absorbency of cloth diapers, which is obviously a major problem! I opted to try Nellie's All Natural Laundry Soda, and I have to say that I can't complain about it. It gets the diapers fresh and clean. Here's a list of other "diaper-safe" detergents. You don't want to use traditional fabric softener on cloth diapers for the same reason (can coat the diapers and affect absorbency), but to make the diaps smell good you can try something like these Nellie's Lavender Fragrance Sticks. I'll let you know what I think after I get some.

And that's it for supplies! In Part II (when I get a chance haha), I'll let you know my reactions to cloth diapering and my suggestions. :)

P.S. These great posts (Newborn Diapering and Cloth Diapering Guide) from Becoming Mamas is where I started my research and really helped me understand how to start this whole process and which supplies I needed to have to begin my cloth diapering experience. I highly recommend reading through them if you're interested!

a new job?

I've attempted to start this post at least 3 times already...and actually, I hear the baby crying right now though just a moment ago he was napping peacefully. It's as if he senses when I've made my mind up to write and wakes up! haha :) Well, I'll have to postpone this yet again....flexibility, thy name is motherhood!

ABOUT 7 HOURS LATER...
Anyway...I was about to write about how I have a new job next year. Though it's not something I was planning to do, I will be the high school Spanish teacher next year at our district. I'm not going to go into a lot of details, but due to the uncertainty of the state budget (and thus, uncertainty in the funding to the school districts in PA), school districts are looking at ways to cut spending in any way that they can since the proposed budget leaves most (if not all) districts in the red (to the tune of millions). One way that my school district has come up with to make up for our proposed deficit is to "reassign" teachers who have multiple certification areas...yep, like me. :/ They have moved me to the high school to teach Spanish and moved another teacher from kindergarten to my classroom to teach second grade. This is not the only switcheroo that has occurred at our little district, as many teachers are being moved to a different grade next year and many are having to move their classrooms. There is still talk of furloughing staff who have not achieved tenure yet due to budgetary shortcomings, and I don't know when we'll know for sure what's going on because the state budget needs to be passed before anything is certain. In general, there's a lot of change afoot at our school and, I'm sure, across the state. I know that the administration and school board are just doing what they need to to be able to keep the school running and that they're making hard decisions, but it's such a difficult time for all of us because of the uncertainty and the way everything is constantly changing.

While I'm definitely grateful and relieved that I still have a job at our district, I'm heartsick that I have to leave the elementary school for so many reasons. I love my coworkers there, and I'm nervous about making new friends at the high school...I know it'll come in time, but I've just never been that good at getting to know people quickly, and I will miss my second grade team a lot. :( I will also miss the kids so much; when I started teaching second grade I wasn't sure I'd like it or that I'd be good at it, but now that I have four years of teaching under my belt, I feel competent and satisfied with it...I love seeing how much the kids grow personally and academically throughout the year. When I student taught, I really liked my high school placement, but it's been years and I am going to have to adjust to the different age group...what a change to go from leading eight-year-olds through the halls in two lines to teaching teenagers who might be texting during class. It's a little scary to be starting out fresh again, especially since I'll have a four-month-old baby to deal with along with figuring out a new curriculum. That's going to be tough. Perhaps the biggest issue that I've had with this is related to my stubborn personality (lol)...it has been very hard for me to accept this because I didn't choose to make this change, and I hate it when I have no choice in the matter at hand. It's kind of like I've always had this little kid inside of me screaming, "But I don't wanna!" when someone tells me what to do. Gotta work on that.

Obviously I have mixed feelings about this, but I'm trying to look on the bright side whenever I can. For example, there will be many things about teaching in the elementary that I won't miss, such as: the stress of parent-teacher conferences at Thanksgiving time; teaching cursive handwriting; giving spelling tests; taking the class on restroom breaks and dealing with silly bathroom issues that come up; and many other things that I can't think of right now since I'm feeling brain-dead after a long day following many nights of broken-up sleep from taking care of Jackson. Maybe I'll get to lead a trip abroad to Europe or to Latin America! I love Spanish so I think that will go a long way in helping me to accept and enjoy this new position in which I find myself.

sleepy boy.

He makes my heart smile.

so not what i wanted to hear...

Jesse just called me.

He's been activated again and is being sent to Kuwait, I guess next February. No idea how long he'll be gone exactly. This means that he'll be "involuntarily extended" in his military service since he was supposed to get out August of 2012 and will likely be gone longer than that.

I just want to cry.

his birth announcement

Since I'm such a cheapskate, I just created these at home and had them printed as 4x6" photos at Wal-Mart. I like how they turned out though, and they'll be in the mail at some point this week as long as fussy baby has a good afternoon or evening and I have time to get the envelopes addressed and stuffed. :)

having moments.

Lately, I've been having moments.

Some of them are so, so good. Like holding my newborn son snuggled up on my chest with my chin or cheek resting on his downy little head, taking in his sweet baby smell. Like watching Adelle interact with the little guy and talk to him in that instinctive singsong, high-pitched voice that females must intuitively know to use when talking to babies. Like seeing Jackson grinning in his sleep while he's still got milk dribbling down his little chin. Like noticing how much the little guy looks like Jesse and me...and how much he looks like Adelle when she was a newborn. Like feeling my heart swell up seeing my Jesse with his son and knowing that he loves him just as much as I do. Like laughing about how when he stretches and wrinkles his forehead he looks just like a grumpy old man. Seriously, there's so much to be happy about and I feel so blessed so much of the time...just getting the chance to do this all over again feels like such a blessing to me. It also feels so redemptive, because seven years ago I never knew whether to hope that I'd be at this place in my life with a happy, healthy daughter, a husband, and a precious new baby.

Some of the moments are not so good. I know a huge part of this is that my emotions are all out of whack due to hormones. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, and I find myself feeling more so in the past couple of days. I know it'll get easier as time goes on, but that doesn't take the feeling away sometimes. It's hard breastfeeding because I'm the only one who gets up with him at night because I'm the one who has what he needs, and that contributes to me feeling overwhelmed. I feel guilty that I don't/can't spend as much time playing with Adelle or just spending quality time with her in the evening like I'm used to because I have to dedicate a lot of that time taking care of Jackson. I miss her and spending that time with her. I have lost 24 of the 40 pounds that I gained during my pregnancy, but it's hard to feel good about my body right now because very little of my pre-baby wardrobe fits, and I haven't been able to go out to get anything that does fit. I'm definitely really lacking in the sleep department because Jackson's only two weeks old and is still eating every two to three hours...that's to be expected with a newborn, I know, but it's still hard to deal with nonetheless. I'm also dealing with the feeling that I have no identity right now outside of being the mommy of this baby, and it's hard for me to know that right now that's all I need to be right now...that I need to surrender a lot of my wants and interests for the moment and concentrate on the most important things. I miss being me. Selfish, I know...but I'm just trying to be honest with myself right now. I'm hopeful that in a couple of weeks my emotions with level off and I'll start feeling more like myself and more adjusted to being a mommy of two. I know I'll get there, but I need to be patient with everything...

little guy is here!

Jackson August
Born at 10:19 a.m. on 4/29/11
7 pounds, 1.5 ounces
20.5 inches long

We're just so smitten with this little guy :) More later, but he's just perfect!

Portrait Photo Contest :)

I found out about this photo contest from this lovely mama's blog that I stumbled upon one day and decided to enter. What the heck, right? :)

My beautiful Adelle,
after losing her first tooth:

My beautiful best friend Erin,
hanging on a trolley in San Francisco:

blessed. (a letter to my beautiful girl)

My last few posts have been all about my pregnancy, and I realized that I need to throw in a little something about other important parts of my life too even though the baby seems to be the all-consuming part of my mindset right now! Adelle continues to make me realize how blessed I am, and I think it's important to remember this time right before our son is born. This blog is more a journal for me to look back on and remember what life was like during a certain moment, so this entry is more for my daughter and for me than anyone else...but if you happen to be touched by it, so be it.

Dear Adelle,

We are about to go through a huge change, but a change that will be an amazing one for our family. I know that you're anxious to meet your little brother and that we've spent a lot of time talking about how things might be different after he comes, but I also just really want you to know how hard it is for your mama to know that you won't be my one and only baby anymore. That might sound a little strange, since I really wanted to have another baby, so let me try to explain myself. Since I found out that I was pregnant with you almost seven years ago, I knew that my life was going to completely change. I had no idea how much you would bring to my life, and I never imagined how much richer life would be with you in mine. You are such an amazing little person, and every day I find myself admiring a part of your personality or your beauty. Even on the days when I find myself being grumpy with you and not being a very patient mommy, I always come back to the realization of how much I love you and need to appreciate the things that make you who you are without getting so frustrated. I don't want to lose my perspective on how special you are to me by being distracted by my love for the baby, and I don't want you to feel any less loved when my attention is focused on caring for him.

It's hard to sum up what makes you so special to me, but I'll write down a few things that come to my mind. You are definitely one of the most creative people I have ever met, with an ingenuity that constantly surprises me! I love hearing the things that come out of your mouth and the things that you create with your hands because I never know what to expect. Going along with that thought, you have such a fantastic sense of humor. I probably think that because my sense of humor seems to be so similar to yours. :) Some of my favorite moments are the ones I've spent with you being ridiculously silly and giggling about something that probably only you and I would find hilarious. You are sensitive and caring, which can be both good and bad...good because you always notice other people's emotions and act accordingly to try to figure out the best reaction to them...and bad because sometimes you let your emotions run wild and get so upset or worried about things that you can't change. I hate when you are scared or worried or sad about something, because often there is not much that I can do to get you out of that emotion. Mama is the same way.

I guess a lot of what I have said in this letter to you is that you are a lot like me, and I love that we have so much in common. I want you to know that even though I'm going to love this new baby so much and will be figuring out how to love both of you, you will always be just as special to me as you are right now before he comes into our lives. I love you so much, sweetie. It's going to take some time to balance everything out again as our lives change, but I know that we'll work through the changes together. This is going to be quite an adventure. :)

Love,
Mommy

...still waiting...

The current status: 40 weeks, 4 days...yes, it's getting old and I'd really like to be done with this whole pregnancy thing. And yet, I'm choosing to wait a little longer to see if our little guy starts to make his appearance without interventions at the hospital. Why?

Well, yesterday at my appointment Dr. B (who is my least favorite in that practice...for good reason) told me that I had to have an ultrasound "since I'm past the due date" to check the amniotic fluid level and the position of the baby. He also sent me up to labor and delivery for a nonstress test. The ultrasound tech said things look perfect, that my amniotic fluid level is good...and he's still a boy :) haha The nonstress test went fine, and the heart rate was good for the baby.

Dr. B said some things to me during the exam that upset me (about not dilating and my cervix not being ripe, that I was "nothing" as far as dilation/effacement/etc...I mean, the guy works with pregnant women for a living and needs to learn a little more tact or at least to be more sensitive in his word choice), but what really got me upset was that the doc told me that we would discuss my options for induction and/or waiting a few days after I went through those tests (which I honestly felt were pretty unnecessary and took up 2 1/2 hours of my time when I was hoping to take Adelle to do something way more fun than hang out at the hospital)...but then he called up to labor and delivery while I was still hooked up doing the nonstress test and told them that he was scheduling an induction for me tonight without talking with me about it first as we had planned. Dr. B would be the doc on call and be the one to do the Cervidil and then break my water and start me on Pitocin in the morning...so I called and declined the induction after I left the hospital. It was stressing me out that he decided what to do with my body and my baby without giving me a choice and with no medical emergency even before he saw the results of the tests (which showed that things are just fine in there with our little guy). I told the medical assistant that I was upset that he decided for me without discussing it as we had talked about during my appointment. Dr. B told me that I could go ahead with the induction or make an appointment with another doc in the practice in a couple of days.

Trust me, I want this kid out of me but I didn't like the way that he handled the situation and it really upset me that he would probably be delivering my baby. I also just feel like I don't want to push my body to do something if it's not ready yet, so I got myself a couple more days to possibly go into labor on my own. My biggest wish for this pregnancy was that I would have the experience of being able to labor at home for the majority of my labor instead of being hooked up to an IV and monitor at the hospital for a ridiculous amount of time like I was with Adelle. Though I feel like I will probably go in for an induction later this week, at least I have a small victory...I didn't let that doctor step all over me and make the decision for me, I will have a different doc to deal with from now on, and hopefully my body will be that much more ready to go when/if I am induced.

Thankfully, my husband was wonderfully supportive of this decision and he made me feel so loved in telling me so...even though I know that he is just as anxious to meet our baby as I am! <3

9 days.

So here we are...9 days until my due date...3 days into maternity leave from work...and who knows how many days until we actually meet this baby...

Yes, we've entered that frustrating time of just WAITING and hoping that the baby comes soon. I'm not overly impatient yet, but I keep thinking how nice it would be just to be able to meet him and spend as much time with him as possible before I have to go back to work next school year. Truthfully, it's kind of nice to be able to stay home by myself and have some "me" time before this little guy makes his arrival...because that's been pretty rare in my life ever since Adelle was born and especially since I started teaching full time...yet at the same time I feel guilty about it. I have been feeling "guilty" that I stopped working even though I could still probably be working with no issues except being exhausted and feeling large. But the thing is that the baby could hypothetically come at any time so I didn't want to risk trying to work too late into the pregnancy. I hit 38 weeks last Friday, and so here I am on leave.

At 38 weeks, 5 days...I'm still feeling reasonably good. My biggest complaint is the lack of sleep, which I remember all too clearly from my pregnancy with Adelle and so...not too surprising. I'm definitely looking bigger in the past couple of weeks, and my fingers and feet have started to look swollen. And while I'm listing pregnancy gripes, my back aches a lot of the time. I feel like I'm almost there though!

I'm wondering if I'll have to be induced with this baby as I was with Adelle...a huge part of me was hoping that this time my body would go into labor naturally sometime conveniently just before my due date, but I guess at this point I'm pretty much resigned to feeling like that's looking less and less likely. We can still hope, but I'm choosing to be realistic so I don't get too disappointed if I'm sitting here pregnant a week from now writing another blog entry about how I'm still pregnant. ;) I guess only time will tell.

whoa. where does time go???

I know I mentioned a countdown the last time I posted...admittedly eons ago, in November. Cut that number roughly in half...80...and that's how many days there are until my due date. Holy crap! Though I've been through this once before, I don't think you're ever really prepared for how fast time will actually go. I don't know if it ever actually feels real until the baby comes, because I remember feeling the same way when I was waiting for Adelle to come. Though you know in your head and even more definitely with your body (haha...with all the crazy changes that happen physically throughout 40 short weeks!), I think that there are always those feelings of, "Am I ready for this?" and "How is it possible for time to have passed so quickly when it felt like it was going slowly at the time?" Or maybe that's just the way I've experienced it.

I'm eager to meet this little guy, but at the same time it's overwhelming to think of how life will change once he's here...

Adelle will have the adjustment of becoming a big sister and no longer being the one-and-only in our lives after being the center of attention for six straight years. I know that she's super excited to be a big sister, and she's always talking about how much she's looking forward to doing things with her little brother, like teaching him how to walk and reading to him and playing with him. :) She's done well with adjusting to all-day kindergarten and spending time with Mommy and Daddy in the evenings though it was a little rough the first week, so I just hope she transitions well once the baby gets here and she has school all day and has to share the attention in the evening.

Jesse will experience being a daddy to a baby for the first time; I can't wait to see him interact with our son and it makes me tear up to think about that, but at the same time I don't know how he'll be with the constant attention the baby will need from both of us, especially in the beginning. I'm not super nervous about it, but a little worried because for most of the time we've been together, we've been able to have a lot of "us time" and get away once in a while for a date night just because Adelle's been old enough to be left overnight with my parents or aunt. Once breastfeeding starts, it's going to be a while until we can get away for a night ;).

And truthfully, it's hard for me to imagine how I'll adjust. I worry about stretching myself too thin once the baby gets here. How do you love two equally? How do you give two precious babes enough attention plus your husband plus get everything accomplished that you need to? I already try to do probably too much around the house at this point and need to ask for help more than I do, so I will definitely have to ask J to pitch in more with laundry and dishes and errands and other household stuff even though my instinct is to try to take care of everything around the house since that's the way it was when I was growing up. I'll be off for the rest of the school year and over the summer, so the baby will be about four months old once I have to go back to work. Then, I know it'll be SO hard to go back and leave the baby because I'll be quite used to being a stay-at-home mommy. I know I'm lucky with the timing of when we were able to aim to have this baby ;) (haha), combined with having enough sick days to be paid while I'm on maternity leave...so I guess I just need to be content that I get to be there for the first four months of his life. I'll have to deal with having to go back when that time comes.