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Saturday, May 14, 2011

having moments.

Lately, I've been having moments.

Some of them are so, so good. Like holding my newborn son snuggled up on my chest with my chin or cheek resting on his downy little head, taking in his sweet baby smell. Like watching Adelle interact with the little guy and talk to him in that instinctive singsong, high-pitched voice that females must intuitively know to use when talking to babies. Like seeing Jackson grinning in his sleep while he's still got milk dribbling down his little chin. Like noticing how much the little guy looks like Jesse and me...and how much he looks like Adelle when she was a newborn. Like feeling my heart swell up seeing my Jesse with his son and knowing that he loves him just as much as I do. Like laughing about how when he stretches and wrinkles his forehead he looks just like a grumpy old man. Seriously, there's so much to be happy about and I feel so blessed so much of the time...just getting the chance to do this all over again feels like such a blessing to me. It also feels so redemptive, because seven years ago I never knew whether to hope that I'd be at this place in my life with a happy, healthy daughter, a husband, and a precious new baby.

Some of the moments are not so good. I know a huge part of this is that my emotions are all out of whack due to hormones. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, and I find myself feeling more so in the past couple of days. I know it'll get easier as time goes on, but that doesn't take the feeling away sometimes. It's hard breastfeeding because I'm the only one who gets up with him at night because I'm the one who has what he needs, and that contributes to me feeling overwhelmed. I feel guilty that I don't/can't spend as much time playing with Adelle or just spending quality time with her in the evening like I'm used to because I have to dedicate a lot of that time taking care of Jackson. I miss her and spending that time with her. I have lost 24 of the 40 pounds that I gained during my pregnancy, but it's hard to feel good about my body right now because very little of my pre-baby wardrobe fits, and I haven't been able to go out to get anything that does fit. I'm definitely really lacking in the sleep department because Jackson's only two weeks old and is still eating every two to three hours...that's to be expected with a newborn, I know, but it's still hard to deal with nonetheless. I'm also dealing with the feeling that I have no identity right now outside of being the mommy of this baby, and it's hard for me to know that right now that's all I need to be right now...that I need to surrender a lot of my wants and interests for the moment and concentrate on the most important things. I miss being me. Selfish, I know...but I'm just trying to be honest with myself right now. I'm hopeful that in a couple of weeks my emotions with level off and I'll start feeling more like myself and more adjusted to being a mommy of two. I know I'll get there, but I need to be patient with everything...

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