the inevitable

Jess is headed out on a plane tonight, hopefully at the scheduled time of 1 a.m. I say hopefully because I don't want him to have to wait around for hours to get on a sixteen-hour plane trip. I pray that everything will go smoothly.

I love him so...

he makes me laugh,

he makes me feel beautiful every day that I'm with him,

he lets me be ridiculous but doesn't make me feel ridiculous,

he does all sorts of "tall" things for me around the house since I'm wicked short (lol),

he helps me relax,

he keeps my feet warm at night,

he laughs at my jokes,

he's gentle and strong at the same time,

he calls me "Sweetie,"

he listens to all of my school stories without seeming bored,

he enjoys 30 Rock and the John Malkovich "Caal-kyah-lay-tah" SNL sketch as much as I do and will tolerate several episodes of Gilmore Girls in a row,

he can pick me up and crack my back when I need it fixed,

and he's willingly and patiently been Daddy to my daughter.

I love him for all the strengths and weaknesses that make him who he is, but mostly just because he loves me for some crazy reason or another. So of course I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.

I'm trying really hard to convince myself that these months will go by really quickly because I'll be so busy with work and Adelle and grad classes, but it's not easy right now. And I'm trying really hard to not just blurt out every emotion I'm feeling right now all over this blog. Jesse told me tonight on the phone that I'm stronger than him a lot of the time, and even though I didn't feel that way it made me feel better to hear him say it. I know that he'll call me in a couple of days and that it's just a plane ride, but it's just the idea of him flying so very far away from me as I sleep tonight that is getting to me. I can't imagine how he might be feeling right now.

lately...

Last Friday, we celebrated Adelle's birthday a little early so that Jesse could be part of it. There was a butterfly cake, candles, singing, presents. She was excited and thankful for her birthday party with the two of us.

Last Friday, I made a four-and-a-half hour trip from our house in Grove City to Fort Indiantown Gap, an Army base a bit north of Harrisburg. I took Jesse back from his too-short leave. I told him not, "Goodbye," but "See you later." I drove back that same day so that I could put my daughter to sleep that night. I was able to navigate my way back to I-81 and get on the never-ending stretch of US-322 between Harrisburg and Philipsburg...and eventually back to I-80, where I felt more at ease because it's familiar. I figured that that was the last time I'd see him until he returns from Iraq, and I felt peaceful about it because I had had the whole Christmas vacation to prepare myself for it. And I had the whole drive back home to sort through my emotions and pray about it and, well, just to cry periodically when I felt the urge without worrying if I'd be worrying Adelle or whether others would see the red eyes and tears stains on my cheeks.

This Friday (yesterday), I again found myself on that same route because I was given another chance to see my husband. They were given "liberty" to leave base from 8 in the morning to 7 at night. I didn't want to find myself spending over four hours driving east in my car, but I felt that if I didn't go, I would always regret not seeing him one more time. Because one more time could be all we have. It's so hard to admit that, but I don't know what's in store for us. I got myself from Grove City to the hotel in Harrisburg last night safely despite the impending winter storm. Spending today with Jesse was more than wonderful...but harder emotionally than I can say. Driving him back to base was devastating because each mile marker I saw reminded me that I was ever closer to leaving him there. I've been crying a lot as I sit in this hotel room, trying to occupy my mind with writing lesson plans for the upcoming week and searching for new ideas for teaching my students about Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream. Crying to get the emotions out before I go back home to my Adelle and my work. I'm missing him already and hurting because he's so close right now yet I can't be with him.

Yet, I am choosing to try to focus on the positive. (Yes, I did say try because I know there will undoubtedly be days that I will lose my focus...) So, the positive things that I can see from my vantage point right now:

*Adelle is amazing and smart and beautiful and funny.

*Jesse loves us and won't stop loving us just because he's not close to us.

*We have become so close despite the distance and know what we're made of. (Though right now I feel like I'm made of a blubbering pile of jelly...)

*My family loves Adelle and me and helps us a lot.

*I am much more confident in my ability to handle driving long distances and in unfamiliar areas because of all of the practice that I've had of late.

*Because Jesse is making more money, we are becoming more financially stable and will be able to save money for our future together.

*I finally have curtains up at my house and have been able to begin decorating it. It feels more like a home now.

*I will have my Gannon grad classes to occupy my mind and keep me busy while my husband is away. Jesse will be proud of me for keeping on with this even though it's not easy.

*My class this year has become very dear to me, and I really enjoy my students! (Most of the time...lol.)

*I get to sleep in tomorrow, which is a rare treat.

*Jesse loves us and won't stop loving us just because he's not close to us. I know that's a repeat, but it makes me feel a little better.

i miss him.

I'm totally missing my husband and starting to freak out about the whole thing with him going to Iraq in January. It's so depressing and awful and just makes me feel like I could cry at any second. Not only does it suck not being able to see your best friend for a span of three months, but imagining how fast the time over Christmas will go when he gets to go on leave makes me feel awful too...and then he's headed into danger and nearly nine months of separation. Limited communication. No one to hug me. No one to talk about the stupid little things that I think about and that happen to me at work. No one to make me feel beautiful. No one to watch movies with. No one to read books to Adelle with.

For as bad as this feels, I know that it's going to get worse. Which is part of why it feels so terrible. :(

Nobody ever reads this blog, but for some reason I feel like at least I'm telling someone since very few in my life actually seem to care enough to try to find out how I am.

wordle rocks my socks off.

CREDIT: http://www.wordle.net/

I'm pretty sure I'm in love with this site...because first of all I love words, and I love that you can type anything or copy and paste anything into the text box and that you can change all of the colors and fonts and the layouts... *happy sigh* I just love it a lot! Okay, enough... :)

a little update

I'm never very good at keeping this sort of thing updated...but then again, I'm a pretty busy lady so I don't feel too guilty. :) Right now, I should be grading papers, but I always need a reason to avoid that...lol.

Anyway...life lately has been very full. I just got through a big time of stress with planning a bridal shower for a college friend (who had me invite 96 people to this thing!), so I am still breathing a sigh of relief that that is over. Not that I minded doing that...at times planning is my forte compared to actually carrying the plan out lol. But it was hard because I have seriously never planned a party in which I had to feed people real food (as opposed to birthday cake haha) and entertain them, let alone a party for a possible 96 guests. It went well, and the bride really enjoyed it so in my mind all the planning and worrying was worth it. And apparently I made some pretty awesome chicken salad...which I kept saying was the "best chicken salad I ever made" because I had never made chicken salad before. :o) I sometimes kill myself laughing over silly things like that.

Adelle is amazing. Everyday she says or does something that makes me think. Tonight she was in the bathtub entertaining herself, and I was sitting there reading a magazine when she announced, "Mama, look! I made a brontosaurus." I looked, thinking that maybe she made something out of soap bubbles, but she had a long hair stuck to the side of the tub...which she had fashioned somehow to look like a brontosaurus head and neck!!! Maybe I'm a little too excited about that, but she just amazes me in the things she sees and notices and does. Another example...we were reading from her Princesses story book tonight, and next to the Cinderella story synopsis was the beginning of the Sleeping Beauty story. She studied the pictures and then pointed to Prince Charming (from Cinderella) and said, "Look, Mama...this prince's hair matches this other prince's hair. They have the same hair." And indeed, Prince Charming and Prince Phillip have the same exact hair except that it's different colors. Maybe it's just me thinking that it's cool that she picks up on things like that, but I never noticed that before. It's almost like she notices all the little things that we learn to filter out or that people have taught us is unimportant as we grow up. What would the world be like if we could see things like they could?

The fibro has had me down in the past couple of months but I've decided that I'm going to try exercising because I've heard that that is shown to be effective in managing it better in some instances. I actually spent money on some new running shoes to try to goad myself into beginning to at least walk more often...I used to really love jogging, but in the past few years just the thought of it makes me afraid that I'll hurt more if I try to do that. I always liked the feeling of being able to just "be" when I was jogging...being able to just empty my mind and concentrate on being there in the moment enjoying nature and concentrating my energy and mind on making it to a certain point without slowing down, without worrying about what I had to do at home, without having, for a few moments, the worrisome thoughts that I think most women have racing through their heads about what needs to be done and what they said wrong that day and what they need to change and all that. It was kind of a time to be able to empty myself in a good way. So I'm hoping to get back to that again.

Another thing that's been tough is this...Jesse has been activated. That means that he's going to Iraq again. That means that things are going to change again in a few months, and that I'm going to miss him and worry and wonder what the future holds for us. We've talked about getting married before he leaves in September for training, but it's not looking like that's going to happen...financially it would be really hard, and time-wise it would also be difficult to plan a wedding and all that goes with it. I'm in a wedding in June as maiden of honor (and yes, that's how I've requested my title be listed in the program lol) so I've got obligations to help with that. There's also the part of me that wonders if he's going to be coming back, which is just awful to have to contemplate. I have no idea how to deal with this except to accept that I have to deal with it and not let it get to me more than I have to.

fibromyalgia

For those of you who don't know what it is or that I have it...this is fibromyalgia:

I wake up every morning aching all over. I wake up every morning feeling exhausted. I wake up every morning feeling like I can't get out of bed because I don't have the energy to face the day with this pain. I wake up every morning wishing that I knew what it was like, or that I could even remember what it was like, before this was my reality.

My reality is that I somehow have this disease, which has no real known causes except that it could be due to stress or hormonal changes from my pregnancy. My reality is that I don't have the energy to play with my daughter the way I wish I could. My reality is that I usually feel like I can't get accomplished the things I need to do in a day. My reality is that it's not just a physical thing, but a mental fog that is also somehow present. My reality is that much of the time I don't know how to deal with this being a part of my life.

It feels like this huge burden that limits me. It limits me physically because I can't do some things I'd like to like run around with my baby girl or go jogging like I used to because my body will hurt even worse. It limits me mentally because I have this malicious sense of exhaustion about me all the time. I don't want this to be the state I always live in. I don't want this to be the only mommy my daughter knows.

I want my life back.

lame excuse.

Sooooo...I signed on to do this thing tonight, yet I'm really not into doing it at the moment. I wish I could tell you differently because I've got a lot on my heart right now and so many things to feel like I've had heard in some sort of way, internet or otherwise. I guess I'll just say that it's lonely being me at the moment...and I am struggling to get my work done for school...and my body is hurting a lot lately...and I've been having some crazy dreams lately.

Interesting post, eh? lol.