a long hiatus, no?

Yes, it's been a while, but I'm still here. ;)  Life just happens too fast for me these days, and my poor neglected blog has ended up being pushed to the bottom of the pile.  ;)  I just wanted to take a moment tonight to write a few things that are on my heart, though a proper update is definitely in order soon.  I miss writing, and I miss being able to look back to what I've written to see how far I've come and how we've all grown.  These days I'm knee-deep in the throes of mothering three amazing kids and working full-time, and that is all I can do at the moment, with little bits of my "old life" thrown in every now and again to keep me sane.  I have to keep reminding myself to be patient and enjoy this crazy ride, because it IS hard these days...but I am so lucky to be where I'm at right now.  I should go to bed, but what's another twenty minutes to write down a bit of my life tonight?

• Arden Claire is turning 9 months old tomorrow.  Nine. Months. Old.  How?!?  I swear that the past nine months has gone by in a blink.  This little nugget has now been sitting up on her own, crawling, and pulling up to stand for the past two months.  I suspect that sometime this week she will no longer be a toothless wonder because she's definitely got some swollen gums and isn't her normal happy little self these days (though a much happier teether than her big brother, that's for sure!).  We're still making nursing work even though it's not the most fun I've ever had having to pump at work these past couple of months, so I'm pretty proud of the fact that we're continuing on our breastfeeding journey.  She's now added a quite a taste for solid food to her menu, and you can tell she loves when she is able to eat real food with us.  This little miss is such a blessing to me, and I live for her smile.  :)
• My sweet Jackson boy will be turning two and a half years old on Tuesday!  He continually impresses me with his brains and with his stubbornness.  ;)  This little guy has been pretending so much lately, and I have to say that it's quite adorable to listen to his little games as he plays them.  He is such a talker, and he has quite an extensive vocabulary from picking up new words and phrases that we use and that he hears on t.v.  This kid is, as they say, "all boy."  I'm pretty sure that is just a code word for "nonstop" and "crazy" and "wicked stubborn," but you know I love all that about him anyway.  He loves to play outside, to eat bananas and noodles, and most of all, he loves his "bink" and blue blankies.  ;)  Jackson still wakes up typically two or three times a night, which is the most challenging thing about him.  In an effort to try to figure out a reason as to why he is such a terrible sleeper, I took him to a sleep study recommended by his ENT doc.  It was heart-wrenching to watch him get hooked up to the machines and to see him like that, but we're all at the end of our rope with waking up every night at this point.  I'll keep on doing whatever I need to do, but I decided that if they can tell me if something's wrong that I'd like to know.  It's been a long month while we wait for the follow-up appointment to hear the results, but tomorrow we go to the doctor for that appointment.  I'm so anxious to hear the results...I don't want anything to be wrong with him, but I do want to know if something is wrong.
• Adelle is almost a quarter of the way through third grade...eight years old going on sixteen!  I wish that she would slow down sometimes and be a kid, but sometimes I forget that she is just a kid and can't always be as responsible as I'd like her to be. We butt heads a lot these days because she's really starting to assert her independence and I'm not always able to be as patient as I'd like since I'm under a lot of stress and not getting much sleep. I'm working on developing personal responsibility in her, but I think it's going to be a challenge for both of us.  ;)  As she grows, I see so many similarities and differences between the two of us...it's hard recognizing things in your kid that you know were challenges for you personally.  I love when we get the time to just spend time together and do things that we enjoy, but the truth is that in this busy life we're leading, it's tough to just have time together when we don't have to do anything except just be together.  Normally, spending time together is something more like I'm packing lunches and washing dishes while Adelle does her homework and eats her bedtime snack.  I really want to get into a better groove about spending equal amounts of time with each of my babies...especially my Adelle, who I think is feeling neglected by her mama these days because the little ones need so much attention these days.  I love seeing how much she loves music and how funny she can be.  She's such a fun, quirky person!

balance.

Life just IS right now.  I've been back to work for three full weeks now, and we're all hanging in there even though it's not the easiest thing in the world.  Nothing will ever be perfect, and though I expect a lot out of myself regardless...I think I'm getting better at just doing what I can do and not guilt-tripping myself about what I can't do at the moment.  I love where I'm at in life even though it feels difficult and messy and out-of-control at times.  I love seeing my family together and realizing how much we all love each other and knowing that this is just how it is  supposed to be.  

I know this is my season in life right now and that being a mama of three is who I'm supposed to be.

Even through all of the overwhelming moments of...

...the toddler throwing ridiculous tantrums and 

...the eight-year-old asking for a puppy yet again and 

...the baby crying for no apparent reason and 

...the mama loading and unloading the dishwasher again even though somebody else could do it and

...the baby sometimes staying up insanely late yet still looking unbelievably cute and happy to be awake and 

...the mama rushing through dinner because the baby needs to nurse and

...the older sister tormenting the younger brother just for fun and

...the teacher going home during a break at work because some of the pump parts are still there and 

...the toddler waking up three times last night because he still doesn't sleep through the night and probably won't ever and

...the husband falling asleep in the toddler bed again instead of helping with the housework...and...

I'm sure you get the picture.

And yet for every moment of frustration and irritation and exhaustion...and there are lots of them...there are myriad moments of such love and such beauty that they more than make up for the difficulties.

Like...

...that baby smiling when she sees her mama come home after work and

...that daddy laying with his son to help him go to sleep

...that toddler telling his mama that he's her "cute baby elephant" while giving the best hugs and

...that husband remembering to bring home milk on his way home from work and

...that eight-year-old asking, "Was I good today, Mommy?" because she's really trying to please her mama and 

...that teacher getting to talk to her adult friends at work once again and

...that little girl coloring with her mama and prattling on about anything on her mind while her mama listens and

...that little boy excitedly running to the door to get his shoes because his mama's taking him outside to play and

...that mama breathing a sigh of relief after actually getting all of the kids to bed at a decent time and

...that baby sighing a sleepy little squeak of contentment after nursing and

...that husband embracing his wife in such a tender and rare moment alone...and...

I'm sure you get the picture.  :)

Stopping to think about all of this seriously just makes my heart so full of emotion that I think it's going to burst.  It's overwhelming to think of how amazingly fortunate I am to have three healthy children and a husband who is committed to our family.

It's true that I don't have a lot of "me" time right now, but that's okay.  It's true that Jesse and I don't have a lot of time alone, but that's all right.  Someday, I'll have more time to organize and decorate and have hobbies and things like that.  Someday, I'll get to leave the house for more than just work and going on my weekly trip to the grocery store.  Someday, Jesse and I will get to go on a real date instead of rushing out of the house to steal a couple of hours together as a couple.  Someday, my house will be in an actual clean state instead of just an acceptable level of clean. ;)  Someday, I'll have more opportunities to spend time with friends.  But for right now, I'd rather be able to live in the moment and not put pressure on myself that I should be doing anything more than what I am doing...which is working full-time at a job that I love, being a full-time mama to three kids that I love more than life itself, and being a wife to the most incredible guy I know.  I'm working on balance and keeping my perspective on what I know to be important rather than getting caught up in the small stuff.

thoughts.

Why is it that I have so much to say and write when I don't have the time to write right now?  I feel like there's so much going on with me emotionally/life-wise/maturation-wise right now that I have some at least semi-profound things to share but there's just. no. time.  Keeping up with three kiddos will do that to you, I suppose.  I feel like I'm always one step behind in a never-ending marathon that is just...life.  I'm not complaining; I just think that that is what this season of my life is like.  I like to think of myself as a writer, maybe not a super-talented one, but a writer nonetheless; I have words inside of me that thirst for an outlet, things that I feel led to share for some reason.  I don't kid myself that I have this enormous audience reading my thoughts (nor do I know if I would feel all that comfortable having a big audience...), but I still love being able to sit down and share through this medium because I know that my words will touch the people that they're *supposed* to touch.  Every day as I'm doing my thing with the kids, I compose letters to them in my head...maybe that sounds weird but there are so many things I want to tell them about themselves and about what I see in them as they grow and about how much I love them.  I'm always hoping at some point to be able to sit down and write those letters down with the same feeling that I have in my heart for them.

For right now, here's the major thought that keeps pouring into my mind, the one that I always come back to despite the frustrations and the little annoyances and the late nights and the early mornings and the always having to put "me" on hold...I'm unbelievably blessed with such three beautiful, amazingly smart, incredibly precious children and a fantastic husband who always does his best to support me and help me in any way that he sees that he is able.  I have no words that can adequately express these feelings, but I will try...and that's all any writer can promise.

clarity.

Lately, it's been hard to keep myself positive, to stay focused on what goes well...because there's been a lot of negative. I'll be the first to admit that a lot of it comes straight from me. I'm the first to have a pity party for myself...oh, poor me...I don't sleep enough because my baby wakes up a lot at night...I'm "suffering" through a job that I never applied to have, don't feel fluent enough to have, and that I have to create all the materials for because I was left with nothing much that's usable...I don't have enough time in my day to take care of the bazillion things that need done around the house and my husband never seems to notice half of those things that should be done...on and on I could rant, but what good would it do?

I'm all about honesty, but lately I've been keeping on the silent side because I don't want to just complain and spout negativity on here.

Instead, I'm trying to focus on how richly I've been blessed.

It ain't easy.

(Allow me to complain just a bit, and then I'll end it on a positive note, I promise.)

Like I said, it's a job I never applied for...I still yearn to be back in second grade, where I felt needed and and significant because I truly felt like I influenced and shaped my young students. The high school is a place where students care more about peers liking them than about teachers liking them, where some students like to push the limits just because that's somehow part of their adolescent make-up. It's a place where I blend in because of my height, general frame, and lack of "looking my age," which is moving closer and closer to 29. I think because of this some students see me as more of an equal, and they challenge me daily because it's hard to respect a teacher who you view as so very close to a high school student. About once a week I have horrible days at work and I literally just want to cry because some kids just really need to learn some kindness and respect for the adults who devote so much time to trying to help them learn. Some kids just want to play hackey sack or study for their next class and don't seem to view my class as something they should put much effort into. I get so frustrated and disappointed because some of the students just don't care about learning Spanish; to me, it's so discouraging because I LOVE Spanish and it hurts me that they think it's stupid or boring or uninteresting in every way. I try so hard to present things in interesting ways and to make assignments that will appeal to everyone...but of course, I can't make everyone happy. On days like that, it's hard to keep my focus...but somehow I get through every day and walk down to the office, where a smiling Adelle is waiting to greet me with, "Mommy!" and to chatter about her day in first grade while she holds my hand and we walk through the hall like fish going against the current, dodging high school students trying to escape the school building. In those moments, no matter how bad of a mood I'm in, she reminds me of why I'm at work and why I've got to keep going. I want her (and Jackson...and all of my students) to have good teachers all throughout her school career, not just at the beginning. If I give up or decide to not try as hard as I do to make a difference, where does that leave my daughter and son in their high school years?

P.S. I truly love and enjoy many of my students. Some of them go out of their way to show me that they appreciate me and that they enjoy learning Spanish. And I laugh every day at some of them because they're truly hilarious people!

yeppers.

Source: pearls-curlsandasoutherngirl.tumblr.com via Ashley on Pinterest

shyeah.

So lately...the major emotion of late has been overwhelmed. Warning: many, many sentence fragments and ellipses ahead....

Overwhelmed by the amount of planning and energy it takes to teach high school Spanish. I'm not gonna lie, not loving it right now. I keep telling myself that next year will be easier (because it will be), but it's challenging for a bunch of reasons....figuring out how procedures for everything at the high school (how do I pick up my copywork or check out a t.v. cart or perform my mandatory student parking lot duty?), trying to keep up with grading and updating the online gradebook regularly, attitude-y students, teenage boys in general, realizing how little my students know in comparison to what I hoped they would know, and dealing with the legacy of taking over for a teacher who was more about fun than about learning. *sigh* (For the record, I'm all about learning in a fun way....)

Overwhelmed by how much I just want to spend time with my little family but feeling pulled in so many different directions at once...keeping my house at least to some semblance of "clean" (though it's terribly lacking at the moment and not up to my standards at all)...laundry...packing lunches and diapers bags and school bags every night...grocery shopping...bathtime...bedtime...etc. Still feeling jealous of my summer self right now and wishing I could go back to "just" being a mom and not a working mom. I wish I could just sit on the couch with my husband most evenings instead of working on school stuff or preparing our things for the next day. But that's not reality.

Overwhelmed by sleep deprivation...six weeks of not sleeping more than three or four hours a night is taking its toll on everything in my life. Not to sound completely negative, but I honestly don't know how I keep on going at this point except that I have no other alternative. And I don't think that most people really understand what we're going through with him waking so often. I know almost all babies wake round the clock in the beginning, and we got through that first couple of months successfully. Jackson is waking up more than he did as a newborn, and we've tried everything that we can think of...at this point I feel like it's just something we have to wait out or maybe he's got some sort of sleep disorder. He was sleeping nearly all night around three months, and then about a week before school started he began the rut we're in now. Basically I get him to sleep, and he's up again within forty-five minutes to an hour later. Then maybe he'll sleep an hour, or maybe he'll wake up again in twenty minutes. But when he "wakes" up, he's usually not really awake...just needs help getting back to a deeper stage of sleep...*repeat every night at least four or five times* :( I've stopped nursing him back to sleep, stopped trying to walk him around to put him to sleep, tried giving him cereal to keep him full longer, tried giving him formula with added rice starch to keep him full longer, read The Baby Whisperer, finally found a pacifier that he likes (the Soothie, and this was just a few days ago), which has helped him fall asleep on his own sometimes, and exhausted all other ideas that I've been given. Except cry it out...I refuse to let me baby cry himself to sleep when he's crying for someone to come help him. I'll let him fuss for a bit, sure, but once he begins really getting upset, I go to him. Every night I hope that he'll sleep better, but so far it hasn't happened except about a week ago he slept for an astounding six hours straight. Unfortunately, not a new trend. And as I type this, he's now up for the second time already after going to bed around 7:45...gotta go.

P.S. I know it'll get better, but sooner rather than later would be amazing.

remember.

Ten years ago, on September 11th, 2001, I was a freshman at Mount Holyoke College. I had just gotten out of my biology lecture and climbed the four flights of stairs to my dorm room in Brigham Hall, preparing to relax a little before bio lab that afternoon. I switched on my nineteen inch t.v. to watch something I'd taped the day before (yes, this was waaaay before DVR and back in the days of the VCR, baby...lol) and turned on my laptop to check my email. When my internet browser came up, I was confronted by images of terrorists attacking the World Trade Center. Planes crashing into tall buildings? Is this a joke? I thought to myself. I stopped the VHS tape I had just started in my VCR and switched on the news. Of course, it didn't matter what station I put the t.v. on...every channel was either broadcasting a live feed of the smoking buildings and the aftermath or replays of what had happened less than an hour earlier.

I sat there, horrified, my eyes riveted to the television screen. It was unbelievable in the worst way imaginable. It seemed so senseless and so unfair. Travelers on the planes died just through chance died for choosing that flight on that particular day. People had jumped out of buildings, frantic to escape the fate terrorists had decided for them. Rescuers had died trying to save those who were trapped in the buildings. I remember thinking that the people who were in the Twin Towers that day were just going through their normal, everyday routine; they headed to work and were just getting started with their day when this unimaginable horror happened. I kept thinking that they never expected to die when they went to work that day, just the same way that I would never expect to die going to my job in my dorm's dining hall. These were people who had mothers, fathers, brothers, friends...just like me.

One of the new college friends I had made about two weeks prior to September 11th was a native New Yorker who used to walk past the towers every day on her way to Stuyvesant High School. She was, in every sense of the word, traumatized by this event even more personally than I could ever be. Terrorists had attacked my homeland, but they had attacked her home. Seeing the 9/11 attack through her eyes and helping her cope with the emotional aftermath made me realize just how horrific it was, especially to New Yorkers. Seeing how the attacks affected Mariel made it personal to me in a way that I can't really explain. When we got back from a short break a couple of weeks later, I remember telling Mariel that when I went home, my father had cut down a huuuuuge pine tree that had always been in our backyard growing up...that it looked incredibly strange to me because it seemed like our yard was somehow empty even though that was the only thing that was missing. She told me that that was exactly what it felt like to go home to NYC and not see the Towers, and that she felt like I at least partially understood what she was feeling.

Ten years later, I still remember these details. We were all worried that another attack was imminent, that it would happen again without warning, just like the first time. Instinctively, I just wanted to go home and be with my family, but that was about nine hours away and I had no transportation. I was incredibly saddened and frightened that the attack had happened, and I had the overwhelming feeling that life in our country would never be the same because it now seemed possible that something like that could happen again. I remember how uncertain life had suddenly become...it felt like anything could happen at any moment, especially in the days right after the attack.After I became a second grade teacher a few years ago and realized that my little seven- and eight-year-olds had no clue what September 11th was, I made it a personal mission to educate them on this event in an age-appropriate way. Of course they couldn't personally remember something that happened when they were infants (or later on, I taught students who hadn't even been born yet...made me feel old lol). And of course I didn't want to scare the bejezus out of them but I felt so strongly that it was something that must be remembered. So, we started out discussing what they knew, which was horrifyingly little...I remember thinking that it was a shame that most of them had never heard about it (even just a mention that it was an attack on our country...not expecting a huge amount of knowledge or thinking it was necessary to know details at such a young age). When I found The Man Who Walked Between the Towers, I knew that this would be a great way to introduce 9/11 to them. For four years, I read the book to them and watched this video of him walking between the towers...and we talked about how horrible it would be for someone to attack our country and kill innocent people in doing so. As I read the story of Philippe Petit, a bit of an attention freak and free-thinker who decided to (illegally) walk a tightrope strung between the Twin Towers, the kids were drawn in and making predictions about whether he'd make it. The last page mentions that the towers are no longer there...and the kids naturally ask, "Why?!?" That would lead into an age-appropriate discussion of the attacks in which I told them the basic facts of what had happened that day and showed them photos of some of the destruction. Of course, they naturally asked why anyone would do something like that, and showed at least a shadow of the emotions that we were all feeling that day...disbelief, horror, shock, and sadness. Though I would never want to scare my students, I always felt (rather sadly) that I had accomplished my personal mission to have this day remembered by the younger generation. Now that I teach high school Spanish, I hope that there's another teacher in the elementary school who is exposing the little ones to the memory of that day.Yesterday, I was at a National Guard family picnic with my husband and kids...and I became instantly angry to see that one of my husband's fellow Guardsmen was wearing a shirt saying, "Everything I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11/2001." I understand that men who serve our country are patriots, and that's a good thing. But being a patriot does not mean being a bigot. People like that are the reason relations between countries and religions are so tense. I would compare this level of ignorance and intolerance to someone being killed by a drunk driver that happens to be a blonde and then proclaiming that all blondes are drunks and killers. Ugh. Obviously, from my post above you know that I would never support this attack or the reasons that the terrorists had for attacking our country, but I feel strongly that you cannot label an entire group of people based on what a very small percentage of those people did, no matter how horrific. The truth is that people perpetrated this, not their religion or their god. Stop the hate, but remember.

goals

This is highly personal but because I somehow think that this will hold me more accountable, I'm going to post my goals for the rest of the summer...I'm the type of person who likes making a list and checking things off of it. Keeping in mind that I'm a teacher (and we tend to overplan lol), here's what I've got in mind right now:

1. Work harder at figuring out the manual settings on my Canon Rebel XSi
   
2. Paint at least one more room in the house (possibly our bedroom, but it's huge so I don't know...)
   
3. Rearrange the furniture in our bedroom and figure out where to put all of our books!
   
4. Start work on a place to spend time outside (i.e. a patio or deck)
5. Start meal planning and sticking better to a food budget to save money
   
6. Lose the rest of the baby weight that I've got left so that my work clothes will fit!
7. Figure out the details of childcare for Jackson for the school year
8. Wean Jackson from nursing before the end of August :(
9. Finish at least one photo book that I've begun (I'm trying to make one for each year of our lives with the digital photos I've taken)
   

It had to happen, I guess.

Kids grow up way too fast. :/

At two months and about 13.5 pounds, Jackson is almost too big for his bassinet...I'm not sure how I'll handle having to move him from out room to his room. I like having him right beside me while we sleep.

And how is it even possible for this little girl to be six and a half already? She still needs me, but she becomes more independent by the day.

a new job?

I've attempted to start this post at least 3 times already...and actually, I hear the baby crying right now though just a moment ago he was napping peacefully. It's as if he senses when I've made my mind up to write and wakes up! haha :) Well, I'll have to postpone this yet again....flexibility, thy name is motherhood!

ABOUT 7 HOURS LATER...
Anyway...I was about to write about how I have a new job next year. Though it's not something I was planning to do, I will be the high school Spanish teacher next year at our district. I'm not going to go into a lot of details, but due to the uncertainty of the state budget (and thus, uncertainty in the funding to the school districts in PA), school districts are looking at ways to cut spending in any way that they can since the proposed budget leaves most (if not all) districts in the red (to the tune of millions). One way that my school district has come up with to make up for our proposed deficit is to "reassign" teachers who have multiple certification areas...yep, like me. :/ They have moved me to the high school to teach Spanish and moved another teacher from kindergarten to my classroom to teach second grade. This is not the only switcheroo that has occurred at our little district, as many teachers are being moved to a different grade next year and many are having to move their classrooms. There is still talk of furloughing staff who have not achieved tenure yet due to budgetary shortcomings, and I don't know when we'll know for sure what's going on because the state budget needs to be passed before anything is certain. In general, there's a lot of change afoot at our school and, I'm sure, across the state. I know that the administration and school board are just doing what they need to to be able to keep the school running and that they're making hard decisions, but it's such a difficult time for all of us because of the uncertainty and the way everything is constantly changing.

While I'm definitely grateful and relieved that I still have a job at our district, I'm heartsick that I have to leave the elementary school for so many reasons. I love my coworkers there, and I'm nervous about making new friends at the high school...I know it'll come in time, but I've just never been that good at getting to know people quickly, and I will miss my second grade team a lot. :( I will also miss the kids so much; when I started teaching second grade I wasn't sure I'd like it or that I'd be good at it, but now that I have four years of teaching under my belt, I feel competent and satisfied with it...I love seeing how much the kids grow personally and academically throughout the year. When I student taught, I really liked my high school placement, but it's been years and I am going to have to adjust to the different age group...what a change to go from leading eight-year-olds through the halls in two lines to teaching teenagers who might be texting during class. It's a little scary to be starting out fresh again, especially since I'll have a four-month-old baby to deal with along with figuring out a new curriculum. That's going to be tough. Perhaps the biggest issue that I've had with this is related to my stubborn personality (lol)...it has been very hard for me to accept this because I didn't choose to make this change, and I hate it when I have no choice in the matter at hand. It's kind of like I've always had this little kid inside of me screaming, "But I don't wanna!" when someone tells me what to do. Gotta work on that.

Obviously I have mixed feelings about this, but I'm trying to look on the bright side whenever I can. For example, there will be many things about teaching in the elementary that I won't miss, such as: the stress of parent-teacher conferences at Thanksgiving time; teaching cursive handwriting; giving spelling tests; taking the class on restroom breaks and dealing with silly bathroom issues that come up; and many other things that I can't think of right now since I'm feeling brain-dead after a long day following many nights of broken-up sleep from taking care of Jackson. Maybe I'll get to lead a trip abroad to Europe or to Latin America! I love Spanish so I think that will go a long way in helping me to accept and enjoy this new position in which I find myself.

having moments.

Lately, I've been having moments.

Some of them are so, so good. Like holding my newborn son snuggled up on my chest with my chin or cheek resting on his downy little head, taking in his sweet baby smell. Like watching Adelle interact with the little guy and talk to him in that instinctive singsong, high-pitched voice that females must intuitively know to use when talking to babies. Like seeing Jackson grinning in his sleep while he's still got milk dribbling down his little chin. Like noticing how much the little guy looks like Jesse and me...and how much he looks like Adelle when she was a newborn. Like feeling my heart swell up seeing my Jesse with his son and knowing that he loves him just as much as I do. Like laughing about how when he stretches and wrinkles his forehead he looks just like a grumpy old man. Seriously, there's so much to be happy about and I feel so blessed so much of the time...just getting the chance to do this all over again feels like such a blessing to me. It also feels so redemptive, because seven years ago I never knew whether to hope that I'd be at this place in my life with a happy, healthy daughter, a husband, and a precious new baby.

Some of the moments are not so good. I know a huge part of this is that my emotions are all out of whack due to hormones. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, and I find myself feeling more so in the past couple of days. I know it'll get easier as time goes on, but that doesn't take the feeling away sometimes. It's hard breastfeeding because I'm the only one who gets up with him at night because I'm the one who has what he needs, and that contributes to me feeling overwhelmed. I feel guilty that I don't/can't spend as much time playing with Adelle or just spending quality time with her in the evening like I'm used to because I have to dedicate a lot of that time taking care of Jackson. I miss her and spending that time with her. I have lost 24 of the 40 pounds that I gained during my pregnancy, but it's hard to feel good about my body right now because very little of my pre-baby wardrobe fits, and I haven't been able to go out to get anything that does fit. I'm definitely really lacking in the sleep department because Jackson's only two weeks old and is still eating every two to three hours...that's to be expected with a newborn, I know, but it's still hard to deal with nonetheless. I'm also dealing with the feeling that I have no identity right now outside of being the mommy of this baby, and it's hard for me to know that right now that's all I need to be right now...that I need to surrender a lot of my wants and interests for the moment and concentrate on the most important things. I miss being me. Selfish, I know...but I'm just trying to be honest with myself right now. I'm hopeful that in a couple of weeks my emotions with level off and I'll start feeling more like myself and more adjusted to being a mommy of two. I know I'll get there, but I need to be patient with everything...

9 days.

So here we are...9 days until my due date...3 days into maternity leave from work...and who knows how many days until we actually meet this baby...

Yes, we've entered that frustrating time of just WAITING and hoping that the baby comes soon. I'm not overly impatient yet, but I keep thinking how nice it would be just to be able to meet him and spend as much time with him as possible before I have to go back to work next school year. Truthfully, it's kind of nice to be able to stay home by myself and have some "me" time before this little guy makes his arrival...because that's been pretty rare in my life ever since Adelle was born and especially since I started teaching full time...yet at the same time I feel guilty about it. I have been feeling "guilty" that I stopped working even though I could still probably be working with no issues except being exhausted and feeling large. But the thing is that the baby could hypothetically come at any time so I didn't want to risk trying to work too late into the pregnancy. I hit 38 weeks last Friday, and so here I am on leave.

At 38 weeks, 5 days...I'm still feeling reasonably good. My biggest complaint is the lack of sleep, which I remember all too clearly from my pregnancy with Adelle and so...not too surprising. I'm definitely looking bigger in the past couple of weeks, and my fingers and feet have started to look swollen. And while I'm listing pregnancy gripes, my back aches a lot of the time. I feel like I'm almost there though!

I'm wondering if I'll have to be induced with this baby as I was with Adelle...a huge part of me was hoping that this time my body would go into labor naturally sometime conveniently just before my due date, but I guess at this point I'm pretty much resigned to feeling like that's looking less and less likely. We can still hope, but I'm choosing to be realistic so I don't get too disappointed if I'm sitting here pregnant a week from now writing another blog entry about how I'm still pregnant. ;) I guess only time will tell.

whoa. where does time go???

I know I mentioned a countdown the last time I posted...admittedly eons ago, in November. Cut that number roughly in half...80...and that's how many days there are until my due date. Holy crap! Though I've been through this once before, I don't think you're ever really prepared for how fast time will actually go. I don't know if it ever actually feels real until the baby comes, because I remember feeling the same way when I was waiting for Adelle to come. Though you know in your head and even more definitely with your body (haha...with all the crazy changes that happen physically throughout 40 short weeks!), I think that there are always those feelings of, "Am I ready for this?" and "How is it possible for time to have passed so quickly when it felt like it was going slowly at the time?" Or maybe that's just the way I've experienced it.

I'm eager to meet this little guy, but at the same time it's overwhelming to think of how life will change once he's here...

Adelle will have the adjustment of becoming a big sister and no longer being the one-and-only in our lives after being the center of attention for six straight years. I know that she's super excited to be a big sister, and she's always talking about how much she's looking forward to doing things with her little brother, like teaching him how to walk and reading to him and playing with him. :) She's done well with adjusting to all-day kindergarten and spending time with Mommy and Daddy in the evenings though it was a little rough the first week, so I just hope she transitions well once the baby gets here and she has school all day and has to share the attention in the evening.

Jesse will experience being a daddy to a baby for the first time; I can't wait to see him interact with our son and it makes me tear up to think about that, but at the same time I don't know how he'll be with the constant attention the baby will need from both of us, especially in the beginning. I'm not super nervous about it, but a little worried because for most of the time we've been together, we've been able to have a lot of "us time" and get away once in a while for a date night just because Adelle's been old enough to be left overnight with my parents or aunt. Once breastfeeding starts, it's going to be a while until we can get away for a night ;).

And truthfully, it's hard for me to imagine how I'll adjust. I worry about stretching myself too thin once the baby gets here. How do you love two equally? How do you give two precious babes enough attention plus your husband plus get everything accomplished that you need to? I already try to do probably too much around the house at this point and need to ask for help more than I do, so I will definitely have to ask J to pitch in more with laundry and dishes and errands and other household stuff even though my instinct is to try to take care of everything around the house since that's the way it was when I was growing up. I'll be off for the rest of the school year and over the summer, so the baby will be about four months old once I have to go back to work. Then, I know it'll be SO hard to go back and leave the baby because I'll be quite used to being a stay-at-home mommy. I know I'm lucky with the timing of when we were able to aim to have this baby ;) (haha), combined with having enough sick days to be paid while I'm on maternity leave...so I guess I just need to be content that I get to be there for the first four months of his life. I'll have to deal with having to go back when that time comes.

156 days.

According to a countdown on Jesse's phone, that's how many days until our baby will be born. I still have moments where it's easy to forget that this is really happening...it's still a bit surreal, and my guess is that probably always feels this way until the baby is actually here because I remember feeling the same way when I was pregnant with Adelle. Not to mention life is very full, what with both of us working full-time, somehow keeping the fridge stocked and making dinner, entertaining Delle at night, getting her wrangled into bed each night, and trying not to make the weekends so jampacked that we never get to relax on our days off. It's easy to go about my busyness. And at the same time, it's on my mind all the time...I get swept up in daydreams about the baby, about how we'll all interact and grow together as a family, about how it will feel to see Jesse holding the baby and to watch him be a daddy from the very beginning, about how I'll cope being a mommy of two, about what next school year will be like...

silly me.

Adelle at the Erie Zoo :)

This is no real entry by any means, but just an observation...how funny is it that I faithfully check the blogs of all of my friends who have one (and I do this at probably every other day on a regular basis just to see if they've posted an entry) while at the same time I NEVER post entries to my own blog???

I know, I know, it seems a little backwards...I'll try to remedy that as soon as I can haha :) and post an "actual" blog entry to at least give a life update to y'all who might meander over to my blog from time to time. As usual, life is full and at the moment I'm single-momming it while Jess is at his training. I'm trying to get school stuff done and get my classroom set up, but I confess I haven't gotten very far.

P.S. Thanks for posting your entries on your own blogs...I really love reading about your lives! :)

Happy Thanksgiving...a little late... :)

I know I've been neglecting this blog of mine, but the truth is that I've been busy living my life lately. (But thanks for the reminder because I had actually forgotten that I needed to update, Subway Twin...lol) A quick update with the promise of a better, longer, more detailed post in the future: Jesse's home! :D He went back to his "regular" job after we went to Disney World in mid-October. We're looking into bigger houses because we're going to need more space. Adelle's loving having Daddy home and enjoying her second year of preschool at GCC. We're set for the first of two adoption hearings on December 23. :) I'm finishing up my last grad class before graduating in December, loving my kiddos at school even though that's difficult some days with this class (lol), and trying to enjoy life amidst the chaos.

recently...

I really should get some sleep, but for some reason I feel like writing a little on here...haven't been around this blogger block for a while, but here I am again...

So...time is passing and we're getting by. I always get really emotional about once a month (lol and what woman doesn't?) because all the missing him gets to me, but I know it's coming to an end. Honestly, it feels more frustrating now because it's been monthsssss and I'm just so ready to see him and feel like he's actually my real husband again...I guess it's like the last few weeks of pregnancy haha. It never gets any easier, but I'm a trooper now and I'll get through it no worse for the wear.

I just finished up a ridiculously frustrating grad class, but I'm not going to go into that too much. I actually love going to class and learning, but I didn't like feeling like I was wasting my time because of the prof's way of conducting class and the little "energizers" he made us do (think team-building activities) even though the class was about assessments. I have probably never been so glad to see a class end than this one for some reason.

I've been enjoying Adelle so much this summer so far...she is an amazing kid, and she's always impressing me with what she can do now that she's a "big girl." :)

mixed emotions.

School's out for the summer!

I got through the last few days without too many snags even though it wore me out, and all the stuff that I listed on my last blog that was stressing me out got done somehow, of course. I said goodbye to my kids and realized how much I will miss them, even the ones who I had to discipline every day and the ones who drove me crazy. I love them all and was proud to be their teacher.

I also said goodbye to my second and third grade teachers, who retired at the end of this year; I was so proud to be their colleague after being in their classrooms, but I don't ever feel like I'll be their equal because they were such wonderful, amazing people and teachers.

And I kept thinking about how Jesse was here at the start of this school year and how he took time off of work to come in and see my classroom and help me with things there (haha...doing some "tall" things that I have trouble doing like taking things down out of the upper shelves and tops of the cabinets and such)...and how I was packing it up by myself and might be starting next school year solo because we still don't have a date for his return. Also, I just found out that a guy from Jesse's unit was killed on dismounted patrol and that they had a funeral for him immediately followed by a 14-hour mission...my heart aches for him because I can't imagine how hard it must be to keep on doing what he's got to do despite what he's been through. And it definitely scares me to have that happen so close to my husband...I try not to worry, but you know it's always there in the back of my mind.

So...overall a very emotional end to the schoolyear because of what I'm going through with Jesse being in Iraq and thinking about how fast life goes anyway.

I'm still processing and thinking about all of that, but it was nice getting to relax today and spend time with people who mean a lot to me. Today my best friend Erin came down with her stepdaughter and we went to see Up (very good but very emotionally intense in parts) and out to dinner. We always have good conversations and I always feel so much more like myself when she's around. I'm blessed to know how it feels to be genuinely understood and cared for by her.

I don't think summer can ever be too long...usually it's too short, especially with taking classes and living life and getting ready to start next school year. But with that said, I think it's going to be a long summer without Jesse...going to work and dealing with all that wonderful work that teachers bring home with them every night and on the weekends somehow kept my mind occupied. Now I've got some free time at night and I think it's going to be hard since I've spent the last three summers hanging out with him at night. Not to mention that I'm starting to really miss him since it's the time we've been apart keeps getting longer and longer. I do feel like this whole deal, while not very positive in itself, is making me realize what's important to me in life...it's clarifying in some way. I try to remind myself little positive things like that...it's what keeps me going at this point.

yikes.

The end of the school year is coming up. That's a good thing, and a bad thing because of how jam-packed it makes my life and because of how apathetic or hyper it makes some students. I've had such a busy Memorial Day weekend and didn't do much of anything in the way of schoolwork besides finish up my grad class. (But whew! That was a relief!) My thoughts keep jumping around from one thing to the next as I try to do things; it truly feels like I've got ADD haha. The one word that keeps coming to my mind tonight as I hurry to get something accomplished is frenetic. I'm probably being at least slightly overdramatic :) ...but I hate feeling that way, but I thought maybe writing about it would help me decompartmentalize.

On my to-do list:

- Check all of those papers in my bag so that I can actually calculate final grades

- Fill out the final report cards for my students for this year

- Attend IEP meetings for all special ed students coming to second grade students coming

- Write down well-thought-out plans for the sub who will be in my room while I attend those IEP meetings (lol)

- Plan a special luau-themed day for Wednesday with real learning opportunities and fun activities

- Make it through Field Day on Friday

- Do all of the above things without any scheduled planning/prep time since I'll be attending IEP meetings during my prep period tomorrow and since my kids don't have any other special classes this week (which is my prep period)...this is the big challenge haha

- Clean up and pack up my room for the summer

- Organize all the photos I took at school this year and make CDs for students to take home as souvenirs from second grade

- Plan what I'm going to do and say when I meet next year's class next week

- Spend quality time with my daughter

- Work out at the Y at least two times this week to continue feeling like I'm working towards getting fit and to relieve stress (lol!)

It's all in the works but I am feeling stressed about everything because there's so much right now. In about 8 days, I'll be feeling much calmer about things and probably rejoicing a little over the end of my school year and the beginning of summer vacation...

new kitties.

Tonight, Adelle and I got a pair of kittens from a very nice woman outside of Greenville. Adelle's been wanting to get a pet for months, probably ever since I sent Daphne to live at Mom's for various reasons. I loved her, but basically she wasn't an inside cat. This time, I wanted to get two because I thought maybe that would keep them entertained during the day while I'm at work and no one's at home...and because I always feel bad taking a kitten away from everyone and all that they know; at least taking two from the same litter might help them feel more at home. Maybe I'm just a softie, but I guess that's probably why. Anyway, Adelle is over the moon with having her own kitties in the house, and I'm going to work harder to make sure she learns how to get them to like her this time ;) lol. I don't think Daph ever warmed up to Adelle, which was another reason she left our house. Jesse approved of the idea of getting two :) a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned it to him.

Anyway, we decided that Adelle should name one and that I should name the other kitty. I have no idea where she got the idea, but she named the male kitten Murphy on the way home, and I named the female kitten Stella after we got home. So Stella and Murphy it is...and I am happy with those names since they're not conventional kitty names like Fluffy and Snowball. I tend to go with nonconventional pet names...Calvin, Homer, Winston, Sancho, Daphne, etc.

This is Murphy.

This is Stella.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mommies out there! Last year, my Jesse took Adelle out to get me a gift, which was such a sweet thing for him to do. I know I'll be missing him this year (What else is new?), but at least it's not Wife's Day...haha. A friend and I are planning on taking our girls to the Pittsburgh Zoo tomorrow, so it will be a day spent making memories with our kiddos.