clarity.

Lately, it's been hard to keep myself positive, to stay focused on what goes well...because there's been a lot of negative. I'll be the first to admit that a lot of it comes straight from me. I'm the first to have a pity party for myself...oh, poor me...I don't sleep enough because my baby wakes up a lot at night...I'm "suffering" through a job that I never applied to have, don't feel fluent enough to have, and that I have to create all the materials for because I was left with nothing much that's usable...I don't have enough time in my day to take care of the bazillion things that need done around the house and my husband never seems to notice half of those things that should be done...on and on I could rant, but what good would it do?

I'm all about honesty, but lately I've been keeping on the silent side because I don't want to just complain and spout negativity on here.

Instead, I'm trying to focus on how richly I've been blessed.

It ain't easy.

(Allow me to complain just a bit, and then I'll end it on a positive note, I promise.)

Like I said, it's a job I never applied for...I still yearn to be back in second grade, where I felt needed and and significant because I truly felt like I influenced and shaped my young students. The high school is a place where students care more about peers liking them than about teachers liking them, where some students like to push the limits just because that's somehow part of their adolescent make-up. It's a place where I blend in because of my height, general frame, and lack of "looking my age," which is moving closer and closer to 29. I think because of this some students see me as more of an equal, and they challenge me daily because it's hard to respect a teacher who you view as so very close to a high school student. About once a week I have horrible days at work and I literally just want to cry because some kids just really need to learn some kindness and respect for the adults who devote so much time to trying to help them learn. Some kids just want to play hackey sack or study for their next class and don't seem to view my class as something they should put much effort into. I get so frustrated and disappointed because some of the students just don't care about learning Spanish; to me, it's so discouraging because I LOVE Spanish and it hurts me that they think it's stupid or boring or uninteresting in every way. I try so hard to present things in interesting ways and to make assignments that will appeal to everyone...but of course, I can't make everyone happy. On days like that, it's hard to keep my focus...but somehow I get through every day and walk down to the office, where a smiling Adelle is waiting to greet me with, "Mommy!" and to chatter about her day in first grade while she holds my hand and we walk through the hall like fish going against the current, dodging high school students trying to escape the school building. In those moments, no matter how bad of a mood I'm in, she reminds me of why I'm at work and why I've got to keep going. I want her (and Jackson...and all of my students) to have good teachers all throughout her school career, not just at the beginning. If I give up or decide to not try as hard as I do to make a difference, where does that leave my daughter and son in their high school years?

P.S. I truly love and enjoy many of my students. Some of them go out of their way to show me that they appreciate me and that they enjoy learning Spanish. And I laugh every day at some of them because they're truly hilarious people!

a new job?

I've attempted to start this post at least 3 times already...and actually, I hear the baby crying right now though just a moment ago he was napping peacefully. It's as if he senses when I've made my mind up to write and wakes up! haha :) Well, I'll have to postpone this yet again....flexibility, thy name is motherhood!

ABOUT 7 HOURS LATER...
Anyway...I was about to write about how I have a new job next year. Though it's not something I was planning to do, I will be the high school Spanish teacher next year at our district. I'm not going to go into a lot of details, but due to the uncertainty of the state budget (and thus, uncertainty in the funding to the school districts in PA), school districts are looking at ways to cut spending in any way that they can since the proposed budget leaves most (if not all) districts in the red (to the tune of millions). One way that my school district has come up with to make up for our proposed deficit is to "reassign" teachers who have multiple certification areas...yep, like me. :/ They have moved me to the high school to teach Spanish and moved another teacher from kindergarten to my classroom to teach second grade. This is not the only switcheroo that has occurred at our little district, as many teachers are being moved to a different grade next year and many are having to move their classrooms. There is still talk of furloughing staff who have not achieved tenure yet due to budgetary shortcomings, and I don't know when we'll know for sure what's going on because the state budget needs to be passed before anything is certain. In general, there's a lot of change afoot at our school and, I'm sure, across the state. I know that the administration and school board are just doing what they need to to be able to keep the school running and that they're making hard decisions, but it's such a difficult time for all of us because of the uncertainty and the way everything is constantly changing.

While I'm definitely grateful and relieved that I still have a job at our district, I'm heartsick that I have to leave the elementary school for so many reasons. I love my coworkers there, and I'm nervous about making new friends at the high school...I know it'll come in time, but I've just never been that good at getting to know people quickly, and I will miss my second grade team a lot. :( I will also miss the kids so much; when I started teaching second grade I wasn't sure I'd like it or that I'd be good at it, but now that I have four years of teaching under my belt, I feel competent and satisfied with it...I love seeing how much the kids grow personally and academically throughout the year. When I student taught, I really liked my high school placement, but it's been years and I am going to have to adjust to the different age group...what a change to go from leading eight-year-olds through the halls in two lines to teaching teenagers who might be texting during class. It's a little scary to be starting out fresh again, especially since I'll have a four-month-old baby to deal with along with figuring out a new curriculum. That's going to be tough. Perhaps the biggest issue that I've had with this is related to my stubborn personality (lol)...it has been very hard for me to accept this because I didn't choose to make this change, and I hate it when I have no choice in the matter at hand. It's kind of like I've always had this little kid inside of me screaming, "But I don't wanna!" when someone tells me what to do. Gotta work on that.

Obviously I have mixed feelings about this, but I'm trying to look on the bright side whenever I can. For example, there will be many things about teaching in the elementary that I won't miss, such as: the stress of parent-teacher conferences at Thanksgiving time; teaching cursive handwriting; giving spelling tests; taking the class on restroom breaks and dealing with silly bathroom issues that come up; and many other things that I can't think of right now since I'm feeling brain-dead after a long day following many nights of broken-up sleep from taking care of Jackson. Maybe I'll get to lead a trip abroad to Europe or to Latin America! I love Spanish so I think that will go a long way in helping me to accept and enjoy this new position in which I find myself.

blessed. (a letter to my beautiful girl)

My last few posts have been all about my pregnancy, and I realized that I need to throw in a little something about other important parts of my life too even though the baby seems to be the all-consuming part of my mindset right now! Adelle continues to make me realize how blessed I am, and I think it's important to remember this time right before our son is born. This blog is more a journal for me to look back on and remember what life was like during a certain moment, so this entry is more for my daughter and for me than anyone else...but if you happen to be touched by it, so be it.

Dear Adelle,

We are about to go through a huge change, but a change that will be an amazing one for our family. I know that you're anxious to meet your little brother and that we've spent a lot of time talking about how things might be different after he comes, but I also just really want you to know how hard it is for your mama to know that you won't be my one and only baby anymore. That might sound a little strange, since I really wanted to have another baby, so let me try to explain myself. Since I found out that I was pregnant with you almost seven years ago, I knew that my life was going to completely change. I had no idea how much you would bring to my life, and I never imagined how much richer life would be with you in mine. You are such an amazing little person, and every day I find myself admiring a part of your personality or your beauty. Even on the days when I find myself being grumpy with you and not being a very patient mommy, I always come back to the realization of how much I love you and need to appreciate the things that make you who you are without getting so frustrated. I don't want to lose my perspective on how special you are to me by being distracted by my love for the baby, and I don't want you to feel any less loved when my attention is focused on caring for him.

It's hard to sum up what makes you so special to me, but I'll write down a few things that come to my mind. You are definitely one of the most creative people I have ever met, with an ingenuity that constantly surprises me! I love hearing the things that come out of your mouth and the things that you create with your hands because I never know what to expect. Going along with that thought, you have such a fantastic sense of humor. I probably think that because my sense of humor seems to be so similar to yours. :) Some of my favorite moments are the ones I've spent with you being ridiculously silly and giggling about something that probably only you and I would find hilarious. You are sensitive and caring, which can be both good and bad...good because you always notice other people's emotions and act accordingly to try to figure out the best reaction to them...and bad because sometimes you let your emotions run wild and get so upset or worried about things that you can't change. I hate when you are scared or worried or sad about something, because often there is not much that I can do to get you out of that emotion. Mama is the same way.

I guess a lot of what I have said in this letter to you is that you are a lot like me, and I love that we have so much in common. I want you to know that even though I'm going to love this new baby so much and will be figuring out how to love both of you, you will always be just as special to me as you are right now before he comes into our lives. I love you so much, sweetie. It's going to take some time to balance everything out again as our lives change, but I know that we'll work through the changes together. This is going to be quite an adventure. :)

Love,
Mommy