Life just IS right now. I've been back to work for three full weeks now, and we're all hanging in there even though it's not the easiest thing in the world. Nothing will ever be perfect, and though I expect a lot out of myself regardless...I think I'm getting better at just doing what I can do and not guilt-tripping myself about what I can't do at the moment. I love where I'm at in life even though it feels difficult and messy and out-of-control at times. I love seeing my family together and realizing how much we all love each other and knowing that this is just how it is supposed to be.
I know this is my season in life right now and that being a mama of three is who I'm supposed to be.
Even through all of the overwhelming moments of...
...the toddler throwing ridiculous tantrums and
...the eight-year-old asking for a puppy yet again and
...the baby crying for no apparent reason and
...the mama loading and unloading the dishwasher again even though somebody else could do it and
...the baby sometimes staying up insanely late yet still looking unbelievably cute and happy to be awake and
...the mama rushing through dinner because the baby needs to nurse and
...the older sister tormenting the younger brother just for fun and
...the teacher going home during a break at work because some of the pump parts are still there and
...the toddler waking up three times last night because he still doesn't sleep through the night and probably won't ever and
...the husband falling asleep in the toddler bed again instead of helping with the housework...and...
I'm sure you get the picture.
And yet for every moment of frustration and irritation and exhaustion...and there are lots of them...there are myriad moments of such love and such beauty that they more than make up for the difficulties.
Like...
...that baby smiling when she sees her mama come home after work and
...that daddy laying with his son to help him go to sleep
...that toddler telling his mama that he's her "cute baby elephant" while giving the best hugs and
...that husband remembering to bring home milk on his way home from work and
...that eight-year-old asking, "Was I good today, Mommy?" because she's really trying to please her mama and
...that teacher getting to talk to her adult friends at work once again and
...that little girl coloring with her mama and prattling on about anything on her mind while her mama listens and
...that little boy excitedly running to the door to get his shoes because his mama's taking him outside to play and
...that mama breathing a sigh of relief after actually getting all of the kids to bed at a decent time and
...that baby sighing a sleepy little squeak of contentment after nursing and
...that husband embracing his wife in such a tender and rare moment alone...and...
I'm sure you get the picture. :)
Stopping to think about all of this seriously just makes my heart so full of emotion that I think it's going to burst. It's overwhelming to think of how amazingly fortunate I am to have three healthy children and a husband who is committed to our family.
It's true that I don't have a lot of "me" time right now, but that's okay. It's true that Jesse and I don't have a lot of time alone, but that's all right. Someday, I'll have more time to organize and decorate and have hobbies and things like that. Someday, I'll get to leave the house for more than just work and going on my weekly trip to the grocery store. Someday, Jesse and I will get to go on a real date instead of rushing out of the house to steal a couple of hours together as a couple. Someday, my house will be in an actual clean state instead of just an acceptable level of clean. ;) Someday, I'll have more opportunities to spend time with friends. But for right now, I'd rather be able to live in the moment and not put pressure on myself that I should be doing anything more than what I am doing...which is working full-time at a job that I love, being a full-time mama to three kids that I love more than life itself, and being a wife to the most incredible guy I know. I'm working on balance and keeping my perspective on what I know to be important rather than getting caught up in the small stuff.
