thoughts.

Why is it that I have so much to say and write when I don't have the time to write right now?  I feel like there's so much going on with me emotionally/life-wise/maturation-wise right now that I have some at least semi-profound things to share but there's just. no. time.  Keeping up with three kiddos will do that to you, I suppose.  I feel like I'm always one step behind in a never-ending marathon that is just...life.  I'm not complaining; I just think that that is what this season of my life is like.  I like to think of myself as a writer, maybe not a super-talented one, but a writer nonetheless; I have words inside of me that thirst for an outlet, things that I feel led to share for some reason.  I don't kid myself that I have this enormous audience reading my thoughts (nor do I know if I would feel all that comfortable having a big audience...), but I still love being able to sit down and share through this medium because I know that my words will touch the people that they're *supposed* to touch.  Every day as I'm doing my thing with the kids, I compose letters to them in my head...maybe that sounds weird but there are so many things I want to tell them about themselves and about what I see in them as they grow and about how much I love them.  I'm always hoping at some point to be able to sit down and write those letters down with the same feeling that I have in my heart for them.

For right now, here's the major thought that keeps pouring into my mind, the one that I always come back to despite the frustrations and the little annoyances and the late nights and the early mornings and the always having to put "me" on hold...I'm unbelievably blessed with such three beautiful, amazingly smart, incredibly precious children and a fantastic husband who always does his best to support me and help me in any way that he sees that he is able.  I have no words that can adequately express these feelings, but I will try...and that's all any writer can promise.

blessed. (a letter to my beautiful girl)

My last few posts have been all about my pregnancy, and I realized that I need to throw in a little something about other important parts of my life too even though the baby seems to be the all-consuming part of my mindset right now! Adelle continues to make me realize how blessed I am, and I think it's important to remember this time right before our son is born. This blog is more a journal for me to look back on and remember what life was like during a certain moment, so this entry is more for my daughter and for me than anyone else...but if you happen to be touched by it, so be it.

Dear Adelle,

We are about to go through a huge change, but a change that will be an amazing one for our family. I know that you're anxious to meet your little brother and that we've spent a lot of time talking about how things might be different after he comes, but I also just really want you to know how hard it is for your mama to know that you won't be my one and only baby anymore. That might sound a little strange, since I really wanted to have another baby, so let me try to explain myself. Since I found out that I was pregnant with you almost seven years ago, I knew that my life was going to completely change. I had no idea how much you would bring to my life, and I never imagined how much richer life would be with you in mine. You are such an amazing little person, and every day I find myself admiring a part of your personality or your beauty. Even on the days when I find myself being grumpy with you and not being a very patient mommy, I always come back to the realization of how much I love you and need to appreciate the things that make you who you are without getting so frustrated. I don't want to lose my perspective on how special you are to me by being distracted by my love for the baby, and I don't want you to feel any less loved when my attention is focused on caring for him.

It's hard to sum up what makes you so special to me, but I'll write down a few things that come to my mind. You are definitely one of the most creative people I have ever met, with an ingenuity that constantly surprises me! I love hearing the things that come out of your mouth and the things that you create with your hands because I never know what to expect. Going along with that thought, you have such a fantastic sense of humor. I probably think that because my sense of humor seems to be so similar to yours. :) Some of my favorite moments are the ones I've spent with you being ridiculously silly and giggling about something that probably only you and I would find hilarious. You are sensitive and caring, which can be both good and bad...good because you always notice other people's emotions and act accordingly to try to figure out the best reaction to them...and bad because sometimes you let your emotions run wild and get so upset or worried about things that you can't change. I hate when you are scared or worried or sad about something, because often there is not much that I can do to get you out of that emotion. Mama is the same way.

I guess a lot of what I have said in this letter to you is that you are a lot like me, and I love that we have so much in common. I want you to know that even though I'm going to love this new baby so much and will be figuring out how to love both of you, you will always be just as special to me as you are right now before he comes into our lives. I love you so much, sweetie. It's going to take some time to balance everything out again as our lives change, but I know that we'll work through the changes together. This is going to be quite an adventure. :)

Love,
Mommy