mixed emotions.

School's out for the summer!

I got through the last few days without too many snags even though it wore me out, and all the stuff that I listed on my last blog that was stressing me out got done somehow, of course. I said goodbye to my kids and realized how much I will miss them, even the ones who I had to discipline every day and the ones who drove me crazy. I love them all and was proud to be their teacher.

I also said goodbye to my second and third grade teachers, who retired at the end of this year; I was so proud to be their colleague after being in their classrooms, but I don't ever feel like I'll be their equal because they were such wonderful, amazing people and teachers.

And I kept thinking about how Jesse was here at the start of this school year and how he took time off of work to come in and see my classroom and help me with things there (haha...doing some "tall" things that I have trouble doing like taking things down out of the upper shelves and tops of the cabinets and such)...and how I was packing it up by myself and might be starting next school year solo because we still don't have a date for his return. Also, I just found out that a guy from Jesse's unit was killed on dismounted patrol and that they had a funeral for him immediately followed by a 14-hour mission...my heart aches for him because I can't imagine how hard it must be to keep on doing what he's got to do despite what he's been through. And it definitely scares me to have that happen so close to my husband...I try not to worry, but you know it's always there in the back of my mind.

So...overall a very emotional end to the schoolyear because of what I'm going through with Jesse being in Iraq and thinking about how fast life goes anyway.

I'm still processing and thinking about all of that, but it was nice getting to relax today and spend time with people who mean a lot to me. Today my best friend Erin came down with her stepdaughter and we went to see Up (very good but very emotionally intense in parts) and out to dinner. We always have good conversations and I always feel so much more like myself when she's around. I'm blessed to know how it feels to be genuinely understood and cared for by her.

I don't think summer can ever be too long...usually it's too short, especially with taking classes and living life and getting ready to start next school year. But with that said, I think it's going to be a long summer without Jesse...going to work and dealing with all that wonderful work that teachers bring home with them every night and on the weekends somehow kept my mind occupied. Now I've got some free time at night and I think it's going to be hard since I've spent the last three summers hanging out with him at night. Not to mention that I'm starting to really miss him since it's the time we've been apart keeps getting longer and longer. I do feel like this whole deal, while not very positive in itself, is making me realize what's important to me in life...it's clarifying in some way. I try to remind myself little positive things like that...it's what keeps me going at this point.

a long way off.

So, obviously it's Valentine's Day. I'm not that into Valentine's Day, so it's not that big of a deal to me usually...I think that we should treat our loved ones well and show them our love for them every day of the year, not lavish them with special treatment and gifts on some day that Hallmark decided they'd like to sell cards. (Yes, I know that originally St. Valentine was the impetus for the holiday and the love-sharing, but I tend to think that it's become more of a "buy me dinner and chocolate" kind of holiday...forgive me if I'm wrong.)

I'm not that into Valentine's Day, but I still found myself wondering if my husband would remember me in some way. I got an email, and I'll have to be happy with that. At least he remembered that it was Valentine's Day, but a part of me wishes that he had thought that I might like a card or some flowers or something like that...I feel like it's almost hypocritical of me, but even though I already explained my near disdain for Valentine's Day...I wanted to feel special and pampered today because it would show that he's thinking of what he can do for me and how he can show his love for me. So does this mean I'm coming around to celebrating Valentine's Day, or is it just because he's so far from me right now that I'm being sentimental? I don't know...but I know, I'm ridiculous.

Lately, I've been an emotional wreck.

I've been angry at Jesse for not keeping in touch with me as often as I thought he should. I have heard his voice on the phone once about four weeks ago. I have chatted with him on Yahoo Messenger one and a half times...I say "half" because the first time we tried the internet on his end decided to go out when we were trying to chat... :( I got to see him on web cam once while we chatted last Friday. I've gotten probably slightly over half a dozen emails from him since he's been overseas.

I've been depressed for the same reason (not being in touch) and because I have no control over that situation. I can't call him, I can't make him email me, I can't make him get on Yahoo Messenger and IM with me...I can't do anything but hope that he will. I email and write letters and somehow keep hoping.

I've been overwhelmed because I feel like I can't handle it all right now. I don't have energy to keep the house tidy, to play with Adelle, to do the dishes, to put away the laundry that's been in the basket since last week, to give my class the energy and time they deserve through well-thought-out and creative lesson plans each day, to put the curtains up in my bedroom that I bought before Christmas...the list goes on and on and on. I'm not even going to mention my grad school research project because it doesn't exist yet even though I should have started it three weeks ago. Physically, I'm tired. Emotionally, I'm tired. I feel like I can never get away from this overwhelmed feeling. I'm so grateful that I have people who help me with Adelle and who support me in all that I do, because without them I don't know how I'd be doing at anything at all.

One of the hardest things is knowing that Jesse is feeling so depressed and that I can't do much to help him out of it. I'm not trying to make excuses for him not being in touch more (because I still feel that he should be), but I know that he is having such a hard time dealing with this deployment because he feels like he's not there for any reason. And he's not...once his unit finally got to their destination in Iraq, he found out that they don't need his section for what they are trained to do. They re-assigned most of his section to other tasks, but my husband and a couple of others literally have nothing to do. Jesse told me that he feels like there's no reason to get up in the morning...that his only task in the past few days has been helping his lieutenant do paperwork by sitting by his side at the computer and spelling out words for him...that he feels like it's a year out of his life for nothing and he'll be another year behind in what he wants to accomplish. It makes me so sad and angry that he is just sitting around in the desert feeling like that. I can't imagine how hard it is except that I can feel it too in some sense because I am bearing the brunt of how it's making him feel.

Please pray for me and especially for him, that he'll get a better mindset and feel a purpose there. I'd really appreciate it.

the inevitable

Jess is headed out on a plane tonight, hopefully at the scheduled time of 1 a.m. I say hopefully because I don't want him to have to wait around for hours to get on a sixteen-hour plane trip. I pray that everything will go smoothly.

I love him so...

he makes me laugh,

he makes me feel beautiful every day that I'm with him,

he lets me be ridiculous but doesn't make me feel ridiculous,

he does all sorts of "tall" things for me around the house since I'm wicked short (lol),

he helps me relax,

he keeps my feet warm at night,

he laughs at my jokes,

he's gentle and strong at the same time,

he calls me "Sweetie,"

he listens to all of my school stories without seeming bored,

he enjoys 30 Rock and the John Malkovich "Caal-kyah-lay-tah" SNL sketch as much as I do and will tolerate several episodes of Gilmore Girls in a row,

he can pick me up and crack my back when I need it fixed,

and he's willingly and patiently been Daddy to my daughter.

I love him for all the strengths and weaknesses that make him who he is, but mostly just because he loves me for some crazy reason or another. So of course I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.

I'm trying really hard to convince myself that these months will go by really quickly because I'll be so busy with work and Adelle and grad classes, but it's not easy right now. And I'm trying really hard to not just blurt out every emotion I'm feeling right now all over this blog. Jesse told me tonight on the phone that I'm stronger than him a lot of the time, and even though I didn't feel that way it made me feel better to hear him say it. I know that he'll call me in a couple of days and that it's just a plane ride, but it's just the idea of him flying so very far away from me as I sleep tonight that is getting to me. I can't imagine how he might be feeling right now.

i miss him.

I'm totally missing my husband and starting to freak out about the whole thing with him going to Iraq in January. It's so depressing and awful and just makes me feel like I could cry at any second. Not only does it suck not being able to see your best friend for a span of three months, but imagining how fast the time over Christmas will go when he gets to go on leave makes me feel awful too...and then he's headed into danger and nearly nine months of separation. Limited communication. No one to hug me. No one to talk about the stupid little things that I think about and that happen to me at work. No one to make me feel beautiful. No one to watch movies with. No one to read books to Adelle with.

For as bad as this feels, I know that it's going to get worse. Which is part of why it feels so terrible. :(

Nobody ever reads this blog, but for some reason I feel like at least I'm telling someone since very few in my life actually seem to care enough to try to find out how I am.