a long way off.

So, obviously it's Valentine's Day. I'm not that into Valentine's Day, so it's not that big of a deal to me usually...I think that we should treat our loved ones well and show them our love for them every day of the year, not lavish them with special treatment and gifts on some day that Hallmark decided they'd like to sell cards. (Yes, I know that originally St. Valentine was the impetus for the holiday and the love-sharing, but I tend to think that it's become more of a "buy me dinner and chocolate" kind of holiday...forgive me if I'm wrong.)

I'm not that into Valentine's Day, but I still found myself wondering if my husband would remember me in some way. I got an email, and I'll have to be happy with that. At least he remembered that it was Valentine's Day, but a part of me wishes that he had thought that I might like a card or some flowers or something like that...I feel like it's almost hypocritical of me, but even though I already explained my near disdain for Valentine's Day...I wanted to feel special and pampered today because it would show that he's thinking of what he can do for me and how he can show his love for me. So does this mean I'm coming around to celebrating Valentine's Day, or is it just because he's so far from me right now that I'm being sentimental? I don't know...but I know, I'm ridiculous.

Lately, I've been an emotional wreck.

I've been angry at Jesse for not keeping in touch with me as often as I thought he should. I have heard his voice on the phone once about four weeks ago. I have chatted with him on Yahoo Messenger one and a half times...I say "half" because the first time we tried the internet on his end decided to go out when we were trying to chat... :( I got to see him on web cam once while we chatted last Friday. I've gotten probably slightly over half a dozen emails from him since he's been overseas.

I've been depressed for the same reason (not being in touch) and because I have no control over that situation. I can't call him, I can't make him email me, I can't make him get on Yahoo Messenger and IM with me...I can't do anything but hope that he will. I email and write letters and somehow keep hoping.

I've been overwhelmed because I feel like I can't handle it all right now. I don't have energy to keep the house tidy, to play with Adelle, to do the dishes, to put away the laundry that's been in the basket since last week, to give my class the energy and time they deserve through well-thought-out and creative lesson plans each day, to put the curtains up in my bedroom that I bought before Christmas...the list goes on and on and on. I'm not even going to mention my grad school research project because it doesn't exist yet even though I should have started it three weeks ago. Physically, I'm tired. Emotionally, I'm tired. I feel like I can never get away from this overwhelmed feeling. I'm so grateful that I have people who help me with Adelle and who support me in all that I do, because without them I don't know how I'd be doing at anything at all.

One of the hardest things is knowing that Jesse is feeling so depressed and that I can't do much to help him out of it. I'm not trying to make excuses for him not being in touch more (because I still feel that he should be), but I know that he is having such a hard time dealing with this deployment because he feels like he's not there for any reason. And he's not...once his unit finally got to their destination in Iraq, he found out that they don't need his section for what they are trained to do. They re-assigned most of his section to other tasks, but my husband and a couple of others literally have nothing to do. Jesse told me that he feels like there's no reason to get up in the morning...that his only task in the past few days has been helping his lieutenant do paperwork by sitting by his side at the computer and spelling out words for him...that he feels like it's a year out of his life for nothing and he'll be another year behind in what he wants to accomplish. It makes me so sad and angry that he is just sitting around in the desert feeling like that. I can't imagine how hard it is except that I can feel it too in some sense because I am bearing the brunt of how it's making him feel.

Please pray for me and especially for him, that he'll get a better mindset and feel a purpose there. I'd really appreciate it.

patience.

I just went through probably one of the longest weeks of my life thus far.

Without trying to sound too dramatic, it was agonizing waiting for the phone to ring. There's an eight-hour time difference, so I kept half-expecting that the phone would ring at some point during the night while I was asleep. It didn't, so I went through a few nearly sleepless nights waiting for a phone call that finally came today. I know that it was just a plane ride to a place not so near here and that he wouldn't be in danger yet, but it was still hard for me to not know that he got there safely or that he was getting acclimated to the new environment or that emotionally he was doing all right. When it's your husband and best friend, it's just hard not to know. So when I heard his voice today it felt so good and so heartbreaking at the same time. He's okay, but he's not here and he's probably feeling the same way.

I don't think that I'll ever really get used to this, but you can bet that I'll be so thankful to put my arms around him again.

the inevitable

Jess is headed out on a plane tonight, hopefully at the scheduled time of 1 a.m. I say hopefully because I don't want him to have to wait around for hours to get on a sixteen-hour plane trip. I pray that everything will go smoothly.

I love him so...

he makes me laugh,

he makes me feel beautiful every day that I'm with him,

he lets me be ridiculous but doesn't make me feel ridiculous,

he does all sorts of "tall" things for me around the house since I'm wicked short (lol),

he helps me relax,

he keeps my feet warm at night,

he laughs at my jokes,

he's gentle and strong at the same time,

he calls me "Sweetie,"

he listens to all of my school stories without seeming bored,

he enjoys 30 Rock and the John Malkovich "Caal-kyah-lay-tah" SNL sketch as much as I do and will tolerate several episodes of Gilmore Girls in a row,

he can pick me up and crack my back when I need it fixed,

and he's willingly and patiently been Daddy to my daughter.

I love him for all the strengths and weaknesses that make him who he is, but mostly just because he loves me for some crazy reason or another. So of course I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.

I'm trying really hard to convince myself that these months will go by really quickly because I'll be so busy with work and Adelle and grad classes, but it's not easy right now. And I'm trying really hard to not just blurt out every emotion I'm feeling right now all over this blog. Jesse told me tonight on the phone that I'm stronger than him a lot of the time, and even though I didn't feel that way it made me feel better to hear him say it. I know that he'll call me in a couple of days and that it's just a plane ride, but it's just the idea of him flying so very far away from me as I sleep tonight that is getting to me. I can't imagine how he might be feeling right now.

i miss him.

I'm totally missing my husband and starting to freak out about the whole thing with him going to Iraq in January. It's so depressing and awful and just makes me feel like I could cry at any second. Not only does it suck not being able to see your best friend for a span of three months, but imagining how fast the time over Christmas will go when he gets to go on leave makes me feel awful too...and then he's headed into danger and nearly nine months of separation. Limited communication. No one to hug me. No one to talk about the stupid little things that I think about and that happen to me at work. No one to make me feel beautiful. No one to watch movies with. No one to read books to Adelle with.

For as bad as this feels, I know that it's going to get worse. Which is part of why it feels so terrible. :(

Nobody ever reads this blog, but for some reason I feel like at least I'm telling someone since very few in my life actually seem to care enough to try to find out how I am.