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Thursday, March 6, 2008

fibromyalgia

For those of you who don't know what it is or that I have it...this is fibromyalgia:

I wake up every morning aching all over. I wake up every morning feeling exhausted. I wake up every morning feeling like I can't get out of bed because I don't have the energy to face the day with this pain. I wake up every morning wishing that I knew what it was like, or that I could even remember what it was like, before this was my reality.

My reality is that I somehow have this disease, which has no real known causes except that it could be due to stress or hormonal changes from my pregnancy. My reality is that I don't have the energy to play with my daughter the way I wish I could. My reality is that I usually feel like I can't get accomplished the things I need to do in a day. My reality is that it's not just a physical thing, but a mental fog that is also somehow present. My reality is that much of the time I don't know how to deal with this being a part of my life.

It feels like this huge burden that limits me. It limits me physically because I can't do some things I'd like to like run around with my baby girl or go jogging like I used to because my body will hurt even worse. It limits me mentally because I have this malicious sense of exhaustion about me all the time. I don't want this to be the state I always live in. I don't want this to be the only mommy my daughter knows.

I want my life back.

1 comment:

Kristin Charles said...

Hey Ashley. I had no idea that you started a blog till now. I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Thank you for sharing your heart, even when it reveals vulnerability. Please let me know if we can do anything, ever. Our whole family loves you and are praying for you. And know that your daughter has the greatest gift in you, fibromyalgia or not. You are amazing and beautiful, my friend.