hard day.

I'm having a tough time today dealing with everything that's coming up. Starting a few days ago, I started weaning Jackson during the day in preparation for going back to work and not having the opportunity/time to pump throughout the school day. That's been harder than I thought it would be emotionally for me, probably because I never had to do that with Adelle and also because it makes me realize that returning to work is so close at hand. I know that I've been so fortunate to be able to stay home almost four months with my baby and that other women go back after six weeks or eight weeks, so I shouldn't complain at all. But it's seriously breaking my heart knowing that two weeks from now I'll spending my entire day with students instead of with my babies. I know I'll get into the swing of it after a while, but it's not where my heart wants me to be at all. Some days it's so frustrating being a stay-at-home mama and I long for a little break once in a while, but truly I'd rather be spending my days fighting with Jackson to take a nap and doing a multitude of housework tasks at the same time. I want to be there for everything instead of hearing about it from my fantastic baby-sitting crew (Mom, Aunt Pam, and the mom of one of my former students, Shelly). I want to be there for his smiles and his crabby baby face when he gets frustrated or tired. I want to be there to change his diapers and wipe his precious, messy face when he slathers baby food all over it. I want to be able to just spend time in the evening with Jesse after we finally wrangle both kids into bed instead of having to dread grading papers and work on lesson plans. I want to get Adelle up in the morning and help her get dressed and do her hair without worrying about doing the same for myself until after I get her on the school bus. I want to spend time with her without being too busy or impatient over fitting everything into my hectic schedule in the evening. I just want to be present in my family's life without feeling like I'm missing a huge portion of it or being too overwhelmed to enjoy it.